23 January 2012

Nowhere to Hide

There are many times that I just want to run away.  The problem with this desire is it doesn't really come with an idea of where to run to.  I mean, sometimes when life seems bad you want to run away and hide.  Thing is, where to? Where is safer than where you are just now?  Is it really so bad that you'd give up and throw it all away?

I guess that's part of my problem.  I'm so bloody indecisive.  What is it I really want with myself?  I really don't know.  Or do I? 

Sometimes I wonder if I really have given up on things I want.  I wanted to be a published writer, but for the longest time I haven't figured out what to write about and what to actually stick with in terms of a story.  For the longest time my "muse" just hasn't hit me.  Life seems to have bogged me down and clouded my mind and diverted me from my original goals.  But is that really the case?  Or have I just let myself believe I won't really ever make it that way and given up?  Have I just become... lazy?

I have never really been able to just take what I want and make it mine.  It's not very easy for me to have that kind of courage and confidence.  At least this is my interpretation.  Others could tell me that I actually have and done this.  But I'm more of a float along and let it happen as it happens.  This could be why I am depressed though, because things don't really float by and come the way I had wanted in the first place.  I suppose the few small amounts of times I've tried to grab at what I wanted, I've been rejected, and those few small instances have left lasting impressions to make the fear of rejection even stronger.  I'm afraid to go after what I want because I'm afraid that what I want is not a mutual thing and I'm just going to lose even the smallest remotest thing that I had in the first place.  So instead of gaining something because I went after it, I lose everything because I went after it.  I don't know.  I'm seriously tired of living in fear, but I don't know how to shake it.

For the longest time I relied on other people for my strength.  This is entirely silly because other people cannot hold me up for any length of time to get me out of my hole of depression.  Instead of building myself up, I fear I bring other people down.  And sometimes, no matter how much of people telling me it's okay, I don't really feel it is.  Then I start apologizing.  Which can be even more annoying.

In the end, my biggest problem is social anxiety.  I'm so concerned what other people think of me that I will do anything to make them like me, and even if I change or morph to fit a need it sometimes isn't good enough.  I haven't really known who I am for quite some time.  So trying to amend that to break out of this pit is a difficult thing.

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