20 December 2011

New Start Blues

Why am I always terrified of new things? To the point where I'm nearly to tears at my new job. Again. This happened at JACER. I'm not entirely certain why it is. I feel a little queasy and really anxious. But I wonder if it's because I'm getting a hell of amount of passive aggressive attitude by the person who is supposed to train me... who I'm supposed to replace. Things are... real tense... and I'm just trying to take a deep breath and move right on. The other people I'm working with are really nice but right now I'm just a little flustered and... not entirely certain what to do with myself.

I have to wait for my Public Trust clearance before I can really get into the network and get in the system here at the GSA. At least I have access through the guest network and my company laptop.

The VRE is nice, except that there is no parking at all without permit at the Manassas Station. So I had to go to the Manassas Park Station. Where I caught nearly every single light, talked to by a motorcycle cop for going too fast in a school zone (Christmas present = just a warning), and missed the train I was supposed to take to get here on time. Thankfully everyone has been understanding so far... except for the person I'm supposed to replace.

Maybe after she's gone things will get better. So far I haven't learned anything and it looks like I have to do some self teaching cause she's too busy making a "notebook" for me. Maybe a delaying tactic so she doesn't have to go? I don't know.

I think the commute might be alright. May end up grabbing a SmartPass for Metro to have the backup taking the metro over one stop so if it rains I don't have to walk 15 to 20 minutes in the rain. But we will see. I probably should look into a new umbrella for those days and have a pair of clean dry socks packed with me.

Guess I really need to keep myself focused. Stop panicing. Stop feeling ill to my stomach for some reason or another. I'm better than this. I can do this.

28 November 2011

So I Might Be Depressed

Guess sometimes I float on by in life and don't even realize it. I mean, I'm more tired than normal, I go to bed later and sleep later, but I think that is partially because I'm slipping onto my husband's night-work sleep schedule. I go a week (a holiday week, but still a week) without being as good about my chores as I need to be, because I'm just... so tired for some reason. No excuse not to do my shit, but I guess I feel... complacent... lethargic... not really... caring.

I sign into my escape and it doesn't really feel like an escape. The people I spent time with are gone. At least that's how it feels. I know sometimes life happens and it takes people away from the fantasy realm. Real life is definitely more important than the life you live online. Just gets lonely sometimes. I stare at the guild roster and wonder where everyone went. I stare at the screen at a loss of what to do. I miss the friends I've made and can't be around as much anymore and I feel excluded or ignored by others who are around.

Sometimes. Always on the outside looking in. Too shy to push my own boundaries. Social anxiety is not limited to the real world.

I've not been "ditched." I'm not going to be. I just have to be patient. People will return... when the new games' shine wears off, when the next patch drops, or something. And if they don't... oh well.

Besides, I may be the one doing the disappearing. Maybe. Someday.

15 November 2011

Things Just Don't Go Smooth

Technically I should be writing in my journal daily. It technically helps and my therapist, Wendy, says I should. So does Philip. Maybe I should listen.

Every time I feel like I'm not worth it, I need to write that I am. I need to reinstate in my mind that I am awesome etc.

Thing is, this year has sucked. Nearly everything about it has sucked. There have been some bright spots here and there, but eh. HCI fired me on my 2nd anniversary married to Philip. I got hired by MicroTech. They fired me after a month and a half. Then for months I couldn't find anything. I got hired by JACER Corp. They had to lay off half their corporate staff after a month of being there. So I'm back home, unemployed, and attempting to learn this "housewife" thing and I feel like I'm still a failure at a bunch of things.

But I'm not a failure? I've just had some bad luck?

I've gained a lot of weight since I was married. I no longer fit into the size 4 dresses I wore in 2009. I think I'm like an 8 or a 10... or higher or something. I've been trying to exercise daily for the last few weeks. I've gained and lost quite a few friends through gaming... the ones that I have gained and kept mean the world to me... but I'm still a little terrified I'm still going to lose at least one of them. I've been hurt and betrayed by people I thought I could trust. A lot of my own confidence has been built up and shattered.

But the awesome people are still there. My husband is still here and always supportive.

It's hard to be strong when the world doesn't seem to be for you. It's hard to be strong when things just don't go smooth.

But, God knows I'm trying.

Cause I am worth it.