31 January 2012

Vignette: To Move On~

Every once and again, I feel inspired to write.  I think I need to stop holding back and let it come.  In the future I hope to show off other vignettes, inspired by characters I play in roleplaying.  This will be either Dasaria, Mabinogi, WoW, SWTOR, or even from my pen and paper games.  Here is the first installment of this attempt from my WoW character Mercii Nightwalker.

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I'd gotten complacent.  I started picking up the Gilnean way to speak.  Greymyst rubbed off on me and left a mark.

But I was not pleased with how he came about trying to provide for the family we were having.  Not pleased at all.  You earn what you make, you do not just take from others that have committed the hard work.  That is not the way of the world.

Or maybe I am wrong.  This world made no sense to me.  The ways of the animals made more sense.  Survival of the fittest.  For each their own.  Sister was displeased I had chosen a human... worgen mate.  I just simply felt they had more in common with me, because many of our men were still foggy from a dream.

I think if it is a daughter, and I have strong belief that she will be, she will be called Onikari.  She will not know her father.  I tire of him.  If he wishes to come claim me and stop thieving, that is his decision.  I tire of men in general.  None of which have been pleasant decisions on my part.  I was too intent on finding myself a mate, but not interested in the responsibilities that came with it.

But I have one.  To my child.  Many animals do not have males to aid them in child rearing.  I do not think I require this.

Mercii Nightwalker
---

25 January 2012

Set fire to the rain~

How do you tell someone you miss them without sounding pathetic or creepy?  Oh hai, please to be hanging out with me again I miss your RPs?  Yeah... I think it sounds pathetic.

I mean life goes on I guess.  People come and people go, but some still remain.  It doesn't mean you don't miss what was, what had been.

Doesn't help that I've got a song by Adele stuck in my head, and I figure I'll just type what I'm thinking from it...



I set fire to the rain
Watched it pour as I touched your face
Let it burn while I cried
'Cause I heard it screaming out your name, your name

I set fire to the rain
And I threw us into the flames
Where I felt somethin' died
That was the last time, the last time

Sometimes I wake up by the door
Now that you're gone, must be waiting for you
Even now when it's already over
I can't help myself from looking for you


~ Picture drawn by my friend Gato | my Mabinogi character Honeko and her first husband, Serihon ~

23 January 2012

Nowhere to Hide

There are many times that I just want to run away.  The problem with this desire is it doesn't really come with an idea of where to run to.  I mean, sometimes when life seems bad you want to run away and hide.  Thing is, where to? Where is safer than where you are just now?  Is it really so bad that you'd give up and throw it all away?

I guess that's part of my problem.  I'm so bloody indecisive.  What is it I really want with myself?  I really don't know.  Or do I? 

Sometimes I wonder if I really have given up on things I want.  I wanted to be a published writer, but for the longest time I haven't figured out what to write about and what to actually stick with in terms of a story.  For the longest time my "muse" just hasn't hit me.  Life seems to have bogged me down and clouded my mind and diverted me from my original goals.  But is that really the case?  Or have I just let myself believe I won't really ever make it that way and given up?  Have I just become... lazy?

I have never really been able to just take what I want and make it mine.  It's not very easy for me to have that kind of courage and confidence.  At least this is my interpretation.  Others could tell me that I actually have and done this.  But I'm more of a float along and let it happen as it happens.  This could be why I am depressed though, because things don't really float by and come the way I had wanted in the first place.  I suppose the few small amounts of times I've tried to grab at what I wanted, I've been rejected, and those few small instances have left lasting impressions to make the fear of rejection even stronger.  I'm afraid to go after what I want because I'm afraid that what I want is not a mutual thing and I'm just going to lose even the smallest remotest thing that I had in the first place.  So instead of gaining something because I went after it, I lose everything because I went after it.  I don't know.  I'm seriously tired of living in fear, but I don't know how to shake it.

For the longest time I relied on other people for my strength.  This is entirely silly because other people cannot hold me up for any length of time to get me out of my hole of depression.  Instead of building myself up, I fear I bring other people down.  And sometimes, no matter how much of people telling me it's okay, I don't really feel it is.  Then I start apologizing.  Which can be even more annoying.

In the end, my biggest problem is social anxiety.  I'm so concerned what other people think of me that I will do anything to make them like me, and even if I change or morph to fit a need it sometimes isn't good enough.  I haven't really known who I am for quite some time.  So trying to amend that to break out of this pit is a difficult thing.

19 January 2012

I think I'm going to move to Australia

According to my weatherbug app, it is a balmy 28°F here in Burke.  After missing both my normal trains I hike up here to take the Amtrak 176... which is supposed to arrive at 1036. It is now 1113 and I am watching the Amtrak website to see how much later it will be. Thankfully it is cozy in my car... well it is when it is on, but it is difficult to listen for train when car is running.

All this because I am a spaz and left my ticket at home when I left to catch my first train.

---

Hours later I have finally made it into work and I think my feet have finally thawed at least a little bit from standing out in the cold so long.  I have determined I wish to travel more by train for long trips.  The atmosphere to me feels a lot more relaxing than I remember when I flew last.  Sitting down to work and eating some good Chipotle comfort food, I think I have rescinded my desire for moving to the land down under.  But still...

I am such a spaz.

DISCLAIMER: The picture above is not mine but the cover of the children's book from which my blog title has come from.  Pretty much between my husband and I (and his dad for that matter) "I think I'm going to move to Australia" is our silly way to say "I'm having a bad day."

18 January 2012

Things I Said I'd Never Do


  1. Work in DC ~ Well actually, it's a hell of a lot easier to commute to DC than Fairfax, when Fairfax is really only 10 to 15 miles away as opposed to 40 something.  The VRE is delightful.  It's much better to fall asleep on the train than on a backroad between Prince William and Fairfax Counties... (which I have nearly done... I am so not a morning person).
  2. Play a "Pay to Play" game ~ Now I play two, World of Warcraft and Star Wars: The Old Republic.  In the end I learned that it is cheaper to pay 15 dollars a month for a game than dump 30 dollars extra each month (or more) because Mabinogi released this new cute pet, or new cute premium character card and I must have that outfit OMG!!! My bank account thanks me, I'm sure...
  3. Become a gamer ~ In the end, deep down, I'd always been one.  From my first experiences on the good ole fashioned Nintendo system, to my Mario Kart addiction, to watching my big brother play Delta Force from his waterbed with a Storm Watch Yankee Candle burning in the background, to "hmmm... Neverwinter Nights Premium Edition... Might as well show an interest in something the boyfriend likes." It's all been downhill from there.  Now, unlike my husband, my "gamer's ADD" isn't really as active... and I tend to stick to one game quite a little while before I move on... usually due to other people drama... Ahhh, MMOs, the cure and cause of much social anxiety.
  4. Read Twilight ~ I HAVE RESISTED! So I have not read Twilight.  If it is going to be anything like the hair pulling violence I felt at my attempt to read Robert Jordan's Wheel of Time, my "I got an English Major and my writing professors would flunk this" twitch reflex would probably give me a hernia.  I'll pass.