tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-64001509460979569042024-03-13T13:51:30.735-04:00Eleutheriajaehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09188961925395809150noreply@blogger.comBlogger56125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6400150946097956904.post-49208134119795821382012-06-01T12:59:00.001-04:002012-06-01T12:59:12.875-04:00TumblrSo I created a <a href="http://honekitteh.tumblr.com/">tumbler page</a>. I hardly keep up with this one to begin with, so why the hell did I start up a new blog elsewhere?<br />
<br />
I think I was just bored and I think the quick posting features over there I may like better. We will see which of these two get the more attention. At least, I have provided a link as to another place to find me.jaehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09188961925395809150noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6400150946097956904.post-15922056394621329592012-04-12T12:45:00.000-04:002012-04-12T12:45:42.437-04:00So Glad I'm Home from the Hospital... oh hi blog!I had resolved to write more in this blog, but I haven't. Honestly, I'm not entirely certain again why I stopped. I may have gotten busy with work or life or something. But perhaps it was because I've been sick.<br />
<br />
Honestly I have no idea how long I had the blood clots they found in my lungs, just that they were there and causing me other issues. I had pain in my left shoulder so bad I could hardly move and I was starting to be unable to breathe effectively. So I spent a good five or so days in the hospital in the beginning of this month. I missed quite a bit of work but they seem to still like me and let me work from home until the doctors say I can head back in. So currently, I'm on oxygen and blood thinners (one of which I have to inject myself with), I'm off birth control (they think that's what caused the blood clots... this is not normal for a person of my age and lack of smoking, but *sigh*), and I'm working from home. At least I'm trying to work from home... I seem to have the same issue I have while I am at work... a lack of things to do. But I am making myself available by showing on the "Google Chat" they use.<br />
<br />
The weekend before life went to hell and a hand-basket, I went down to Charlottesville to see a friend from KoE perform in "The Wizard of Oz." A grand time was had and I got to meet him and his girlfriend and see just how talented he is. A part of me wants to do whatever I can do to support the theater that put this own and his talent, but another part of me doesn't know exactly how much I can do.<br />
<br />
But as of right now, I need to focus on getting better. And hopefully in my getting better, I will find that muse again so I can write more.jaehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09188961925395809150noreply@blogger.com0Manassas, VA, USA38.7509488 -77.475266738.7014153 -77.5542307 38.800482300000006 -77.3963027tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6400150946097956904.post-38656997246742394582012-02-20T00:12:00.000-05:002012-02-20T00:12:27.616-05:00Sonnet: I used to watch you from afar~<span style="font-family: Arial;"></span><br />
Sometimes when we write, we require a voice that is not our own. Sometimes when we write we await upon a muse. Many days have been spent by me claiming my muse had left me, but in truth, I think I had left my muse. Life got in the way, time was lost, and I got distracted by everything so I could not sit down and actually compose. <br />
<br />
I wrote this poem before the one I wrote that was dedicated to my husband. This poem is what spurred me to this realization. Sometimes one just needs motivation. The "Broken Quill" provided me that motivation. Also it spurred another realization... my poetry seems to only be able to be written when I am down. That is also possible because that's the only time I truly feel inspired.<br />
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
---<br />
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Arial;">I used to watch you from afar never</span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Arial;">Dreaming for love, yet there you were, rose in</span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Arial;">Hand, and a moment felt like forever.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Arial;">You made me melt as you caressed my skin.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Arial;">I remember laying in your lap so</span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Arial;">Relaxed by the fire, hands in my hair,</span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Arial;">The rhythm of your lips, caress so slow...</span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Arial;">You hummed a song and we were without care.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Arial;">I close my eyes and listen, I still hear</span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Arial;">You beside me, still feel your arms around.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Arial;">I'll never forget the rose on my ear.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Arial;">I'm scared, but I'll be fine. I won't break down.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Arial;">I used to watch you from afar never</span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Arial;">Dreaming for love, for my love, forever.</span></div>
<br />
---</blockquote>
Performed/read for the Kingship of the East's "Broken Quill" by Honeko Eir (my WoW main character).jaehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09188961925395809150noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6400150946097956904.post-39601843764298005702012-02-09T15:43:00.001-05:002012-02-10T12:50:58.854-05:00Sonnet: I used to lay staring up to the sky~<br />
Sometimes I find it hard to find my inspiration... but after writing a poem the other day (which I will post up at a later date because I'm holding onto it to myself til I present it to the "Broken Quill") I discovered my muse is really there all along. I'm hoping to be able to write more of these in the future. <br />
<br />
Yes. I love sonnets. Yes I love Shakespearean style sonnets.<br />
<br />
Yes I'm a Shakespeare geek.<br />
<br />
But enough about me... onto the poem. This one is dedicated to my husband.<br />
<br />
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
---<br />
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Arial;">I used to lay staring up to the sky</span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Arial;">And let the petals fall upon my face.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Arial;">Spring snow of cherry blossoms fly by.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Arial;">I’d roll over, nestle in your embrace.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Arial;">Sometimes I fear that when I turn you’ll be</span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Arial;">Long gone, out of touch, so far out of reach,</span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Arial;">And yet you’ve shown this wrong, you cling to me.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Arial;">I’ve taken you for granted, then I leech.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Arial;">I’ve taken it all and given none back</span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Arial;">And you still remain constant like the spring.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Arial;">Protect me from my mind’s constant attack.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Arial;">Show me strength my love, my everything.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Arial;">I used to lay staring up to the sky.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Arial;">Spring snow of cherry blossoms fly by.</span></div>
---</blockquote>jaehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09188961925395809150noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6400150946097956904.post-72805722182623032902012-01-31T14:22:00.002-05:002012-02-10T12:50:15.597-05:00Vignette: To Move On~Every once and again, I feel inspired to write. I think I need to stop holding back and let it come. In the future I hope to show off other vignettes, inspired by characters I play in roleplaying. This will be either Dasaria, Mabinogi, WoW, SWTOR, or even from my pen and paper games. Here is the first installment of this attempt from my WoW character Mercii Nightwalker.<br />
<br />
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
---<br />
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Arial;">I'd gotten complacent. I started picking up the Gilnean way to speak. Greymyst rubbed off on me and left a mark.<br /><br />But I was not pleased with how he came about trying to provide for the family we were having. Not pleased at all. You earn what you make, you do not just take from others that have committed the hard work. That is not the way of the world.<br /><br />Or maybe I am wrong. This world made no sense to me. The ways of the animals made more sense. Survival of the fittest. For each their own. Sister was displeased I had chosen a human... worgen mate. I just simply felt they had more in common with me, because many of our men were still foggy from a dream.<br /><br />I think if it is a daughter, and I have strong belief that she will be, she will be called Onikari. She will not know her father. I tire of him. If he wishes to come claim me and stop thieving, that is his decision. I tire of men in general. None of which have been pleasant decisions on my part. I was too intent on finding myself a mate, but not interested in the responsibilities that came with it.<br /><br />But I have one. To my child. Many animals do not have males to aid them in child rearing. I do not think I require this.<br /><br /><i>Mercii Nightwalker</i></span></div>
---</blockquote>jaehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09188961925395809150noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6400150946097956904.post-13235741367724555142012-01-25T12:08:00.001-05:002012-01-25T12:14:37.653-05:00Set fire to the rain~How do you tell someone you miss them without sounding pathetic or creepy? Oh hai, please to be hanging out with me again I miss your RPs? Yeah... I think it sounds pathetic.<br />
<br />
I mean life goes on I guess. People come and people go, but some still remain. It doesn't mean you don't miss what was, what had been. <br />
<br />
Doesn't help that I've got a song by Adele stuck in my head, and I figure I'll just type what I'm thinking from it...<br />
<br />
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgVPRO2UetMXLIbT46mBrxyHsYPoD0iNKNQMyIWEM3YcZx-6UjPTJtvAe1jKK57jLf1Q__FTp6LepbU3ZuDugUdN6WMeCzX7NBC-O-bLQHfHwx-4D9Ex7syoMln9QlmS_sgj7TlPryWcic/s1600/Serihon_and_Honeko_by_PineappleYoshi.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgVPRO2UetMXLIbT46mBrxyHsYPoD0iNKNQMyIWEM3YcZx-6UjPTJtvAe1jKK57jLf1Q__FTp6LepbU3ZuDugUdN6WMeCzX7NBC-O-bLQHfHwx-4D9Ex7syoMln9QlmS_sgj7TlPryWcic/s320/Serihon_and_Honeko_by_PineappleYoshi.jpg" width="248" /></a><br />
<br />
<div style="text-align: center;">
<i>I set fire to the rain</i></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<i>Watched it pour as I touched your face</i></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<i>Let it burn while I cried</i></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<i>'Cause I heard it screaming out your name, your name</i></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<i><br /></i></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<i>I set fire to the rain</i></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<i>And I threw us into the flames</i></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<i>Where I felt somethin' died</i></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<i>That was the last time, the last time</i></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<i><br /></i></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<i>Sometimes I wake up by the door</i></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<i>Now that you're gone, must be waiting for you</i></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<i>Even now when it's already over</i></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<i>I can't help myself from looking for you</i></div>
<br />
<br />
<i>~ Picture drawn by my friend Gato | my Mabinogi character Honeko and her first husband, Serihon ~</i>jaehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09188961925395809150noreply@blogger.com2NoMa, Washington, DC38.9065 -77.004916738.8941435 -77.024657699999992 38.918856500000004 -76.9851757tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6400150946097956904.post-33205699573325827012012-01-23T10:21:00.000-05:002012-01-23T10:21:00.896-05:00Nowhere to HideThere are many times that I just want to run away. The problem with this desire is it doesn't really come with an idea of where to run to. I mean, sometimes when life seems bad you want to run away and hide. Thing is, where to? Where is safer than where you are just now? Is it really so bad that you'd give up and throw it all away?<br />
<br />
I guess that's part of my problem. I'm so bloody indecisive. What is it I really want with myself? I really don't know. Or do I? <br />
<br />
Sometimes I wonder if I really have given up on things I want. I wanted to be a published writer, but for the longest time I haven't figured out what to write about and what to actually stick with in terms of a story. For the longest time my "muse" just hasn't hit me. Life seems to have bogged me down and clouded my mind and diverted me from my original goals. But is that really the case? Or have I just let myself believe I won't really ever make it that way and given up? Have I just become... lazy?<br />
<br />
I have never really been able to just take what I want and make it mine. It's not very easy for me to have that kind of courage and confidence. At least this is my interpretation. Others could tell me that I actually have and done this. But I'm more of a float along and let it happen as it happens. This could be why I am depressed though, because things don't really float by and come the way I had wanted in the first place. I suppose the few small amounts of times I've tried to grab at what I wanted, I've been rejected, and those few small instances have left lasting impressions to make the fear of rejection even stronger. I'm afraid to go after what I want because I'm afraid that what I want is not a mutual thing and I'm just going to lose even the smallest remotest thing that I had in the first place. So instead of gaining something because I went after it, I lose everything because I went after it. I don't know. I'm seriously tired of living in fear, but I don't know how to shake it.<br />
<br />
For the longest time I relied on other people for my strength. This is entirely silly because other people cannot hold me up for any length of time to get me out of my hole of depression. Instead of building myself up, I fear I bring other people down. And sometimes, no matter how much of people telling me it's okay, I don't really feel it is. Then I start apologizing. Which can be even more annoying.<br />
<br />
In the end, my biggest problem is social anxiety. I'm so concerned what other people think of me that I will do anything to make them like me, and even if I change or morph to fit a need it sometimes isn't good enough. I haven't really known who I am for quite some time. So trying to amend that to break out of this pit is a difficult thing.jaehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09188961925395809150noreply@blogger.com0NoMa, Washington, DC, USA38.9065 -77.004916738.8941435 -77.024657699999992 38.918856500000004 -76.9851757tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6400150946097956904.post-11292112412155104162012-01-19T13:57:00.000-05:002012-01-19T14:00:55.808-05:00I think I'm going to move to Australia<div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiavN928CR2MLYaIWZ9xvysQD70YPFHsGZi1LFEraMo2qlv4Qcr8dLWAF0nV8lldmTFUlfW3MsssG-S__io8U0kfu8s5qk4ctCWZYe8rmeA3qVAVvRgLuU_FZ-SgyBRqOLBbLeWaZCpGno/s1600/alexander_bad_day.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="151" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiavN928CR2MLYaIWZ9xvysQD70YPFHsGZi1LFEraMo2qlv4Qcr8dLWAF0nV8lldmTFUlfW3MsssG-S__io8U0kfu8s5qk4ctCWZYe8rmeA3qVAVvRgLuU_FZ-SgyBRqOLBbLeWaZCpGno/s200/alexander_bad_day.jpg" width="200" /></a></div>
According to my weatherbug app, it is a balmy 28°F here in Burke. After missing both my normal trains I hike up here to take the Amtrak 176... which is supposed to arrive at 1036. It is now 1113 and I am watching the Amtrak website to see how much later it will be. Thankfully it is cozy in my car... well it is when it is on, but it is difficult to listen for train when car is running.<br />
<br />
All this because I am a spaz and left my ticket at home when I left to catch my first train.<br />
<br />
---<br />
<br />
Hours later I have finally made it into work and I think my feet have finally thawed at least a little bit from standing out in the cold so long. I have determined I wish to travel more by train for long trips. The atmosphere to me feels a lot more relaxing than I remember when I flew last. Sitting down to work and eating some good Chipotle comfort food, I think I have rescinded my desire for moving to the land down under. But still...<br />
<br />
I am such a spaz.<br />
<br />
<i><span style="font-size: x-small;">DISCLAIMER: The picture above is not mine but the cover of the children's book from which my blog title has come from. Pretty much between my husband and I (and his dad for that matter) "I think I'm going to move to Australia" is our silly way to say "I'm having a bad day."</span></i></div>jaehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09188961925395809150noreply@blogger.com0NoMa, Washington, DC38.9065 -77.004916738.8941435 -77.024657699999992 38.918856500000004 -76.9851757tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6400150946097956904.post-64479285580538757042012-01-18T12:37:00.004-05:002012-01-19T14:06:57.431-05:00Things I Said I'd Never Do<br />
<ol>
<li>Work in DC ~ Well actually, it's a hell of a lot easier to commute to DC than Fairfax, when Fairfax is really only 10 to 15 miles away as opposed to 40 something. The VRE is delightful. It's much better to fall asleep on the train than on a backroad between Prince William and Fairfax Counties... (which I have nearly done... I am <i>so </i>not a morning person).</li>
<li>Play a "Pay to Play" game ~ Now I play two, World of Warcraft and Star Wars: The Old Republic. In the end I learned that it is cheaper to pay 15 dollars a month for a game than dump 30 dollars extra each month (or more) because Mabinogi released this new cute pet, or new cute premium character card and I <i>must have that outfit OMG!!! </i>My bank account thanks me, I'm sure...</li>
<li>Become a gamer ~ In the end, deep down, I'd always been one. From my first experiences on the good ole fashioned Nintendo system, to my Mario Kart addiction, to watching my big brother play Delta Force from his waterbed with a Storm Watch Yankee Candle burning in the background, to "hmmm... Neverwinter Nights Premium Edition... Might as well show an interest in something the boyfriend likes." It's all been downhill from there. Now, unlike my husband, my "gamer's ADD" isn't really as active... and I tend to stick to one game quite a little while before I move on... usually due to other people drama... Ahhh, MMOs, the cure and cause of much social anxiety.</li>
<li>Read Twilight ~ I HAVE RESISTED! So I have not read Twilight. If it is going to be anything like the hair pulling violence I felt at my attempt to read Robert Jordan's Wheel of Time, my "I got an English Major and my writing professors would flunk this" twitch reflex would probably give me a hernia. I'll pass.</li>
</ol>jaehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09188961925395809150noreply@blogger.com0NoMa, Washington, DC 38.9065 -77.004916738.8941435 -77.024657699999992 38.918856500000004 -76.9851757tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6400150946097956904.post-20081491720283773512011-12-20T10:51:00.003-05:002012-01-19T14:08:19.726-05:00New Start BluesWhy am I always terrified of new things? To the point where I'm nearly to tears at my new job. Again. This happened at JACER. I'm not entirely certain why it is. I feel a little queasy and really anxious. But I wonder if it's because I'm getting a hell of amount of passive aggressive attitude by the person who is supposed to train me... who I'm supposed to replace. Things are... real tense... and I'm just trying to take a deep breath and move right on. The other people I'm working with are really nice but right now I'm just a little flustered and... not entirely certain what to do with myself.<br />
<br />
I have to wait for my Public Trust clearance before I can really get into the network and get in the system here at the GSA. At least I have access through the guest network and my company laptop.<br />
<br />
The VRE is nice, except that there is no parking at all without permit at the Manassas Station. So I had to go to the Manassas Park Station. Where I caught nearly every single light, talked to by a motorcycle cop for going too fast in a school zone (Christmas present = just a warning), and missed the train I was supposed to take to get here on time. Thankfully everyone has been understanding so far... except for the person I'm supposed to replace. <br />
<br />
Maybe after she's gone things will get better. So far I haven't learned anything and it looks like I have to do some self teaching cause she's too busy making a "notebook" for me. Maybe a delaying tactic so she doesn't have to go? I don't know.<br />
<br />
I think the commute might be alright. May end up grabbing a SmartPass for Metro to have the backup taking the metro over one stop so if it rains I don't have to walk 15 to 20 minutes in the rain. But we will see. I probably should look into a new umbrella for those days and have a pair of clean dry socks packed with me.<br />
<br />
Guess I really need to keep myself focused. Stop panicing. Stop feeling ill to my stomach for some reason or another. I'm better than this. I can do this.jaehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09188961925395809150noreply@blogger.com0NoMa, Washington, DC38.9065 -77.004916738.8941435 -77.024657699999992 38.918856500000004 -76.9851757tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6400150946097956904.post-46875890264080696242011-11-28T03:17:00.002-05:002012-01-19T14:07:57.964-05:00So I Might Be DepressedGuess sometimes I float on by in life and don't even realize it. I mean, I'm more tired than normal, I go to bed later and sleep later, but I think that is partially because I'm slipping onto my husband's night-work sleep schedule. I go a week (a holiday week, but still a week) without being as good about my chores as I need to be, because I'm just... so tired for some reason. No excuse not to do my shit, but I guess I feel... complacent... lethargic... not really... caring.<br />
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
I sign into my escape and it doesn't really feel like an escape. The people I spent time with are gone. At least that's how it feels. I know sometimes life happens and it takes people away from the fantasy realm. Real life is definitely more important than the life you live online. Just gets lonely sometimes. I stare at the guild roster and wonder where everyone went. I stare at the screen at a loss of what to do. I miss the friends I've made and can't be around as much anymore and I feel excluded or ignored by others who are around. </div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
Sometimes. Always on the outside looking in. Too shy to push my own boundaries. Social anxiety is not limited to the real world. </div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
I've not been "ditched." I'm not going to be. I just have to be patient. People will return... when the new games' shine wears off, when the next patch drops, or something. And if they don't... oh well. </div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
Besides, I may be the one doing the disappearing. Maybe. Someday.</div>jaehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09188961925395809150noreply@blogger.com0Manassas, VA38.7509488 -77.475266738.7014153 -77.5542307 38.800482300000006 -77.3963027tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6400150946097956904.post-87383926495720611842011-11-15T13:57:00.003-05:002012-01-19T14:07:41.124-05:00Things Just Don't Go SmoothTechnically I should be writing in my journal daily. It technically helps and my therapist, Wendy, says I should. So does Philip. Maybe I should listen.<br />
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Every time I feel like I'm not worth it, I need to write that I am. I need to reinstate in my mind that I am awesome etc.</div>
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Thing is, this year has sucked. Nearly everything about it has sucked. There have been some bright spots here and there, but eh. HCI fired me on my 2nd anniversary married to Philip. I got hired by MicroTech. They fired me after a month and a half. Then for months I couldn't find anything. I got hired by JACER Corp. They had to lay off half their corporate staff after a month of being there. So I'm back home, unemployed, and attempting to learn this "housewife" thing and I feel like I'm still a failure at a bunch of things.</div>
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But I'm not a failure? I've just had some bad luck?</div>
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I've gained a lot of weight since I was married. I no longer fit into the size 4 dresses I wore in 2009. I think I'm like an 8 or a 10... or higher or something. I've been trying to exercise daily for the last few weeks. I've gained and lost quite a few friends through gaming... the ones that I have gained and kept mean the world to me... but I'm still a little terrified I'm still going to lose at least one of them. I've been hurt and betrayed by people I thought I could trust. A lot of my own confidence has been built up and shattered. </div>
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But the awesome people are still there. My husband is still here and always supportive.</div>
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It's hard to be strong when the world doesn't seem to be for you. It's hard to be strong when things just don't go smooth.</div>
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But, God knows I'm trying.</div>
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Cause I <i>am</i> worth it.</div>jaehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09188961925395809150noreply@blogger.com0Manassas, VA38.7509488 -77.475266738.7014153 -77.5542307 38.800482300000006 -77.3963027tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6400150946097956904.post-59402055562330577382010-07-12T10:32:00.001-04:002010-07-12T10:32:51.772-04:00How to Change a Tire and Not PanicOh crap, I hit a bad spot of the road. I hope the tire isn’t flat. Hm, the driving wheel is shaking. My tire is probably flat. Find a spot to pull over, preferably not in the mud and is generally flat so can work. Be completely prepared to ruin/dirty up my nice clean dress clothes. Make phone calls to the sleeping husband. Try to remember what to do. Do not panic. Open up the trunk. Realize that you really should’ve finished unpacking from the move over a year ago and dig through to get the spare. Also, putting on the parking break would be a good idea. Don’t want to have car run away while trying to fix it.<br /><br />Pull out the tools and the spare. Assess the spot to put the thingy that lifts up the car and have it click in place. Righty tighty, lefty loosey. Left makes it lift, right makes it go back down. This is very important. Take the tire iron and fight off the hubcap. Then take off the bolt/screws. Be careful as depending on which tire it is, they may be quite steamy. Remember to utilize leg and stomping power in getting them loose. Remove sad flat tire and replace with spare. Screw on and then lower car. Put flat in trunk along with other stuff. Please to be remembering to turn off the parking break before attempting to drive away.<br /><br />I still think I’m going to move to Australia.jaehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09188961925395809150noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6400150946097956904.post-51988018468270173542010-06-23T08:49:00.001-04:002010-06-23T08:49:34.850-04:00Don't Panic - A reminder for me...Don’t Panic.<br /><br />I am loved, I am cared for. I have not been abandoned, I will not be abandoned. If people aren’t around that doesn’t mean that they won’t come back. Even if people have disappeared to not return, doesn’t mean that the people that are currently around are going to do the same. I have family, I have friends, both here in VA and elsewhere around the world via the Internet. They love me, they care about me, they look after me. They will not give up on me.jaehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09188961925395809150noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6400150946097956904.post-14283002255317200182010-06-07T11:47:00.002-04:002010-06-07T11:53:26.018-04:00Something NewThe crazy that was my old job in a way blew up in my face. It was quite irritating to say the least and left Philip and I both unemployed for a little more than a month, and for some reason VA Unemployment didn't send me any moneys.<br /><br />But through divine intervention, luck, or something, both Philip and I found jobs and began work in them Tuesday of last week. It is too early for us to tell how well it's going to go, but we're both fairly certain that we will get out of the mess the crash and burn of the old job put us in.<br /><br />My old company is in what the boss calls a "moth-ball state". He's desperately trying to find work for them... because there is no money to pay anyone. Honestly with how I felt the last few months at the company, I have no desire to go back even if it came back up. I've felt more welcome in this company as of the first day than I ever did within the last year of my employment at CRS. Boss blamed our problems on the toxic atmosphere in the company... where I believe most of that was created by him, but of course he refused to take responsibility for it. The CEO here at HCI instead, has no desire to end up in the same situation that CRS has... and everything seems much more positive here. Sure things are fast paced and busy... although I've not really been let into the actual crazy fray just yet... but this is definitely an improvement to the old place. Except the commute and hours... it's earlier, but the same commute. Because it is earlier it is actually not the same commute. So I have to learn the traffic patterns in a whole new and very frustrating way.<br /><br />But in the end, things are looking up. Hopefully they will remain looking up.jaehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09188961925395809150noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6400150946097956904.post-3925161924992747452010-03-18T15:34:00.002-04:002010-03-18T15:43:39.317-04:00Trying for Positive ThinkingIt is difficult to maintain a positive thinking environment when you feel as if it is made out to be <span style="font-style:italic;">your fault</span> that your company has not had business in the last 3 months due to the website change. I need to increase the search rating of the site, which hopefully will get the desired effect. This can be either very simple or very time consuming. I have a feeling it will be the latter.<br /><br />But what I need to figure out is how not to feel attacked for the decisions that I've made in regards to the website. I've worked very hard on updating the information to suit the boss. He is even willing to take responsibility for allowing me to post it up without it being ready. He was just impatient for the new information to be put up. Well it's up, but what good does that do if no one is looking for us.<br /><br />But really does a website make sales? Especially one such as ours? I think it is highly possible we have <span style="font-style:italic;">too much</span> information (read box text) on the website without a very easy way of seeing what exactly the customers may want. I have done whatever it is that I could, but there is little I can do when the information that is provided to me is pretty much lots of large paragraphs as opposed to bullet points. What is it that customers really want though? I'm no marketing expert and apparently neither is my boss.<br /><br />Maybe appealing to people's emotions or pity is not the way to grab sales. "We are at the end of the road" or "we may not make it next month" are not the most positive things to hear. How does that make us feel about our job security in this festering economy? Oh did I mention, I've never once heard him say anything to the employees about this. Only on the phone to old friends or potential customers.<br /><br />But I thought last week's meetings were successful. I know he's been working hard to garner some sales. I don't see how my putting up a new layout and website was as catastrophic as he's making it out to be. But what do I know. I'm just the technical editor going above and beyond what I was originally hired for to attempt to make the website better.<br /><br />In other news, I think I have allergies or a cold, but I am so glad the blizzards are gone and done (please no more... for a while... 100 years?) I've been looking into other employment, for example sending out 7 applications on Tuesday alone. I'm trying to remain positive. I'm trying to do what I can for my job. I'm trying not to get stressed out by everything.<br /><br />Is it too much to ask for one week without feeling attacked for doing my job?jaehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09188961925395809150noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6400150946097956904.post-39695292780639547562010-03-03T15:38:00.002-05:002010-03-03T15:40:14.956-05:00Oh and...Really sorry about all the rants about work. I'm feeling that I need to blog more and get things off my chest because it may help me in the long run. Planning to let the therapist read this as well for our sessions to give an insight.<br /><br />Other than work and finances, I'm doing pretty good and am fairly content... I've been spending time with the hubby, reading good books, knitting again, and back to playing the game (hobby not addiction).jaehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09188961925395809150noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6400150946097956904.post-55153009948930453962010-03-03T15:27:00.002-05:002010-03-03T15:34:47.943-05:00Take Initiative - but not that InitiativeI have worked very hard on this website. Is it all for nothing? It feels as if its my fault we have not gotten any new inquiries for our products, at least this is the impression I am getting from the boss figure. He rushed me to get the project up and done and updated, even though I had told him I had started a brand new layout from scratch. He told me when it was ready that it looked good and to go ahead and upload it.<br /><br />And now he's talking about needing to probably put the old one up for these folowing reasons:<br /><blockquote>It doesn't work properly in IE6.</blockquote><br />A browser that only 10-11% of the internet traffic even uses and is over 6 years old and Google themselves are phasing it out...<br /><blockquote>No "search page".</blockquote><br />We have a site map and sheesh the code for a search page is complicated.<br /><blockquote>People cannot find our site on the first page of searching for one of our products.</blockquote><br />I've done the "keywords" thing in the code, but apparently that's not enough. We're (other guys and me) not even sure putting the old page will fix this problem.<br /><br />Part of me wonders if my boss really only wants to undermine something I spent so much of my time perfecting. Perhaps that is not the case. I don't really know. What really peeves me off the most is that the meeting talking about the webpage was held without me... and I only found out about it walking by.<br /><br />I really should document how this makes me feel for my therapist. It's really causing some "bad thoughts" that are not helping me at all.jaehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09188961925395809150noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6400150946097956904.post-85435085018806345152010-03-01T13:31:00.003-05:002010-03-01T13:50:57.288-05:00Following UpI survived this past week, barely, but I survived. Now to actually implement to myself that gaming should be a hobby not an addiction.<br /><br />I sit here today while working on submitting a very late report thinking to myself, do I really not "follow things up" like my boss says I do. I'm not totally sure honestly. Sure I didn't follow up this particular thing, but it was late and I think there as a HUGE SNOWFALL between the last time he asked me to try to submit (only to find out I couldn't cause the CCR hadn't been fixed yet) and now. Perhaps no excuse.<br /><br />So, I failed again. And it's taking me all I can to not wallow in my failure and just pick up and keep going. Not to mention my desire to actually work for a company that cannot afford to pay its employees is very low. But here I am scrambling to try to remember which document this is that I need to submit and get it submitted sooner rather than later.<br /><br />Speaking of not being paid, I only got an advance check for this past month because we could not make payroll. Please don't ask me how this happened, I only look at what comes in and goes out, I do not get us loans or jobs. I have a theory that Snowmaggedon, Snowpocalypse, and Snowverkill may have had something to do with this, but that's all it is, a theory. Since learning this little fact, I have been working together my resume and looking around for other places to apply to.<br /><br />Unfortunately there is another step that must be completed before i can submit a report. I probably should investigate what else needs to be done before we run into problems due to the late report, that was late because our CCR expired and I had no way of knowing it was going to expire, and then I didn't realize we could still submit the thingy even after it is late. I expect many more lectures over the one "failure" to occur and no thanking me for finishing that one thing that saved us over a million dollars. And people wonder why I get depressed sometimes.jaehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09188961925395809150noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6400150946097956904.post-79712433669355688712010-02-25T16:53:00.002-05:002010-02-25T17:02:10.369-05:00Withdrawel Day Four: well actually it's three but who's countingMy Day One ended with me getting a reward of playing my game. I think my husband is a tease. But I love him anyway ;)<br /><br />How does one live for themselves? I'm personally not completely sure. Selfish, only concerned with oneself, or is it something completely different?<br /><br />Does it mean defining who you are without basing it upon relationships that you have? Or am I completely missing the point?<br /><br />What I believe it means is finding value in yourself. Defining your value based upon your own merits and not on what others think or what you think others think of you. Now this is difficult for someone who can't even see their own merits.<br /><br />I am an aspiring writer with writer's block. I haven't been able to construct a story in quite some time on my own. I have started many but finished very few. Ideas come to me and then run away. <br /><br />When I was young I was always the gullible girl in the neighborhood who deseprately wanted friends and wanted to please people but would get constantly get abandoned or threatened by what the neighbor kids called "the wizard." I doubted the existence of this figure, but they would constantly tell me that he was after me. They would shake up my soda, leave me alone in the wooded area near my home, and once I was even tied to the bottom of a slide with a jump rope. I don't even remember what happened around that point or what caused it. All I am left with is images. I don't even remember if I was scared, hurt, or anything of that sort. <br /><br />There was another time when I was teased incessantly for a story that I wrote. My notebook that contained it got stolen. Mind you if I looked back at my middle school stories I would probably cringe and wish for their demolition, but back then it was the most important thing to me.<br /><br />So I'm not really sure how my past has shaped who I am now. I am still very easily trusting but I have a huge bout of social anxiety. I get bored hanging out with people even if we're watching a movie. I have to be engaged in what's going on. I tend to feel detached most of the time.<br /><br />And the work situation doesn't help. With pretty much no one to talk to at the office outside of work related things, I feel more and more isolated and detached and lonely. It doesn't help that the finances at work aren't there, and staring at my own bank account made me realize I really can't afford to work at a company that may or may not be able to pay me. But that is an issue for me to take up with my boss tomorrow. Until then, I applied for a couple jobs today. I hate job hunting... but honestly, it may be better for my sanity if I got a different position elsewhere.jaehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09188961925395809150noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6400150946097956904.post-665755748570880872010-02-22T19:50:00.004-05:002010-02-22T20:05:05.015-05:00Withdrawel Day One: Collecting My ThoughtsSo... I need to take a break from my addiction, a game called Mabinogi. Even my friends there understood and are being supportive in any way they can. Guess this is evidence that I have a problem, that even they were worried and agreed that this was best.<br /><br />It all started I think when the stress of my new position at work combined with the financial stress from after getting married. The "addiction" I have is based on, in my opinion, roleplaying games... multiplayer roleplaying games. What was a simple hobby became an addiction to a story being formulated by many participants. It became more important to me than chores, work, and even sometimes my husband. I did not even realize the downward spiral I had put myself in.<br /><br />You see, I don't want to lose the hobby, the stress relief at the end of a long stressful day, but I do not want the addiction. I have chosen time and again hanging out on the game over hanging out with real life friends. I burnt out on my other stress relief method, knitting, some point after the wedding, because I had spent a long time working on things for it: my veil, my garter, and some gift bags for my girls. I forgoed most everything productive in real life for the sake of the game.<br /><br />The stress at work was already pretty bad before I started having online chatrooms (talking with friends from my online games) open at work. My way of staving boredom, curing loneliness, and keeping myself sane became an even worse problem. But I'm not sure that is the only problem. Sure my boss is old-fashioned and does not get multitasking (nor does he probably see that I'm not the only one doing that, but since I don't have internet in my own office it's not as easy to be covert about) but I don't think the internet use is the only problem. This is because just this morning I hadn't even touched the internet computer for anything other than company email and he met me with hostility because he thought I hadn't done something that I actually had. Now part of that could be my fault because I might have forgotten to tell him that it was already done, but I had been working on normal day to day accounting in the office at the time.<br /><br />My company has financial problems. I have no idea where payroll is coming from this month. He is stressed out and from my opinion he is looking for someone to blame: the government, the economy, me... opinions from some former employees was that we shouldn't even have taken on the 2 mil job that eventually screwed us, and put us in the hole with a large product that we have difficulty selling. I don't know whose fault it really is, but why does it have to be taken out on me, the technical editor who helped edit the proposal for that particular project back in the beginning of my time at the company (5 years ago) who has taken on the accounting job without accounting experience except for what I have had to learn on my own through experience.<br /><br />I get it, the economy sucks and he's even admitted to taking advantage of us because of it. If Philip had a job and he could afford to, I'd leave. But he doesn't and we can't. So I feel trapped. I am not angry at Philip's lack of a job. I know he's tried and its difficult for entry level with this economy. But maybe I am angry but more so that I am angry because I don't want to be and it is out of my control. And there goes my downward spiral again.<br /><br />And I have little to no desire to hang out with real friends lately. I'm not sure if this is new or if this is how it has always been. I don't like calling people and I normally don't really know what to do in a setting like that. That's Philip's strength, not mine. But they miss me. I don't even totally understand how I came to prefer online to real life. Perhaps the stress associated with work has reverted me to my college days... where I preferred online to real life because it was easier to meet people online or people I already knew than go out and meet new people, or I figured that everyone usually had something better to do than hang out with little ole me.jaehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09188961925395809150noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6400150946097956904.post-9478033084545350212009-11-24T14:08:00.003-05:002009-11-24T14:13:47.401-05:00A work related rantYeah I realize it has been ages since I've written here. I'm a horrible blogger. But I twit! I'd link but I'm lazy and don't want to spend too much time working that out.<br /><br />"You need to be more responsive" he tells me. After I just received and email that I just told him about before I even had a chance to take care of it. It's frustrating really because "i've never seen you be responsive" when I actually quite do it all the time. He doesn't pay attention or praise me when I do things right, he only bothers me when I do things wrong and sneak up on me and ask me what I'm doing when I'm just taking a break from working to browse a website. I mean, sheesh, everyone does it. Except him. Because to him, he only cares about work. He only wants people to be doing what benefits the company. He doesn't care about the comfort of his employees. He is fine with them "suffering" without things to help them do their job. He thinks it's just fine to talk down to them and treat them like they're children (even though he is older than all of us).<br /><br />Yes I realize this "isn't college". I realize that I need to be doing work. There is such a thing as multitasking. I've been lonely and demoralized. I have a hard time working on what needs to be done when I don't feel as if I'm going to get any credit for it or it will probably be viewed as "okay" or "unacceptable". He tells me to do multiple things at once and gets irritated when the one thing that was more important that he didn't bother to tell me was more important wasn't done. Sometimes I can't keep up with is demand.<br /><br />I am not innocent in this though. Sure I slack off at times. It just feels that when I do do a good job, it isn't recognized. If I'm proud of something it's ignored. I try. I seriously do. I could try harder. But... I don't have much motivation to do so.jaehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09188961925395809150noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6400150946097956904.post-83759013781643922622009-02-05T10:43:00.001-05:002009-02-05T10:43:55.900-05:00What kind of conservative are you?<div style="padding:0px;margin;0px;border:1px solid rgb(133,143,174);background-color: rgb(250,241,218);width: 200px;"><div style="padding:0px;margin;0px;background-color: rgb(152,12,12);overflow:auto"><div style="padding:0px;margin;0px;float:left;display:inline;width:50px;margin-right:5px;"><a href="http://www.fightliberals.com" style="padding:0px;margin;0px;"><img src="http://www.fightliberals.com/images/PIQLink.gif" alt="How to Win a Fight With a Liberal is the ultimate survival guide for political arguments" width="50" height="50" style="border:0px;padding:0px;margin;0px;" /></a></div><h1 style="font-family: 'Georgia';font-size:16px;color:white;padding-top:3px;margin-top:3px;margin-left: 8px;margin-bottom:2px;">My Conservative Identity:</h1></div><p style="font-family: 'Georgia', 'Times New Roman',serif;padding:4px;margin:0px;font-size:12px;line-height:18px;color:black;">You are an <em> <strong>Anti-government Gunslinger</strong></em>, also known as a libertarian conservative. You believe in smaller government, states’ rights, gun rights, and that, as Reagan once said, “The nine most terrifying words in the English language are, ‘I’m from the government and I’m here to help.’”</p><div style="padding: 0px;background-color: white;"><p style="font-family: 'Georgia', 'Times New Roman',serif;padding:4px;margin:0px;font-size:10px;color:black;">Take the quiz at <a href="http://www.fightliberals.com/Inside-the-Book/What-Breed-of-Conservative-Are-You.html" style="color:blue;">www.FightLiberals.com</a></p></div></div>jaehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09188961925395809150noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6400150946097956904.post-74977152906315726912009-02-05T10:33:00.003-05:002009-02-05T10:39:29.895-05:00ChildishSince when did it become an adequate defense of a bill to say "well I won" every time you can. It seems that this is what Obama and the Democrats seem to be doing. So they add more and more pork to this "stimulus" bill, making it look more like a big spending and huge leap towards socialism, and all they have to say is "well we won." For example, the Republicans make suggestions and they're pushed away because "they lost." This could be a big generalization, but I'm really peeved off about it. I'm glad the Republicans in the house didn't sign on to the bill and I really hope they do the same in the Senate short of fillibustering it.jaehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09188961925395809150noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6400150946097956904.post-87109776875858004342009-01-06T09:11:00.003-05:002009-01-06T09:27:14.835-05:00New Year BluesThe beginning of this year is going to be extremely busy, with learning up on the accounting at work and learning to balance accounting stuff and technical editing. Also going to be busy because of wedding planning and getting everything needed together for the 4th of April. Afterwards, I hope the year slows down.<br /><br />I have accomplished one thing already this year, although it's later than I had hoped. Philip's Sweater!<br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://farm2.static.flickr.com/1114/3166107708_ec28c46d02_o.jpg"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 362px; height: 271px;" src="http://farm2.static.flickr.com/1114/3166107708_ec28c46d02_o.jpg" alt="" border="0" /></a>I'm especially proud of it and so far have received many compliments.<br /><br />Another thing I did the beginning of the year was get rid of my domain and website, elvenprincess.com. I wasn't using it anymore and I just don't have time to manage that, a livejournal, a myspace, a facebook, and a blog. So I figured, I might as well cancel out of the one I had to pay for every three months. Sure I pay for my livejournal (i like my icons), but that's something I'm more likely to do something with.<br /><br />But the accounting has the potential to murder me... I'm hoping it's not as bad as the last day was.jaehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09188961925395809150noreply@blogger.com0