15 November 2011

Things Just Don't Go Smooth

Technically I should be writing in my journal daily. It technically helps and my therapist, Wendy, says I should. So does Philip. Maybe I should listen.

Every time I feel like I'm not worth it, I need to write that I am. I need to reinstate in my mind that I am awesome etc.

Thing is, this year has sucked. Nearly everything about it has sucked. There have been some bright spots here and there, but eh. HCI fired me on my 2nd anniversary married to Philip. I got hired by MicroTech. They fired me after a month and a half. Then for months I couldn't find anything. I got hired by JACER Corp. They had to lay off half their corporate staff after a month of being there. So I'm back home, unemployed, and attempting to learn this "housewife" thing and I feel like I'm still a failure at a bunch of things.

But I'm not a failure? I've just had some bad luck?

I've gained a lot of weight since I was married. I no longer fit into the size 4 dresses I wore in 2009. I think I'm like an 8 or a 10... or higher or something. I've been trying to exercise daily for the last few weeks. I've gained and lost quite a few friends through gaming... the ones that I have gained and kept mean the world to me... but I'm still a little terrified I'm still going to lose at least one of them. I've been hurt and betrayed by people I thought I could trust. A lot of my own confidence has been built up and shattered.

But the awesome people are still there. My husband is still here and always supportive.

It's hard to be strong when the world doesn't seem to be for you. It's hard to be strong when things just don't go smooth.

But, God knows I'm trying.

Cause I am worth it.

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