My Day One ended with me getting a reward of playing my game. I think my husband is a tease. But I love him anyway ;)
How does one live for themselves? I'm personally not completely sure. Selfish, only concerned with oneself, or is it something completely different?
Does it mean defining who you are without basing it upon relationships that you have? Or am I completely missing the point?
What I believe it means is finding value in yourself. Defining your value based upon your own merits and not on what others think or what you think others think of you. Now this is difficult for someone who can't even see their own merits.
I am an aspiring writer with writer's block. I haven't been able to construct a story in quite some time on my own. I have started many but finished very few. Ideas come to me and then run away.
When I was young I was always the gullible girl in the neighborhood who deseprately wanted friends and wanted to please people but would get constantly get abandoned or threatened by what the neighbor kids called "the wizard." I doubted the existence of this figure, but they would constantly tell me that he was after me. They would shake up my soda, leave me alone in the wooded area near my home, and once I was even tied to the bottom of a slide with a jump rope. I don't even remember what happened around that point or what caused it. All I am left with is images. I don't even remember if I was scared, hurt, or anything of that sort.
There was another time when I was teased incessantly for a story that I wrote. My notebook that contained it got stolen. Mind you if I looked back at my middle school stories I would probably cringe and wish for their demolition, but back then it was the most important thing to me.
So I'm not really sure how my past has shaped who I am now. I am still very easily trusting but I have a huge bout of social anxiety. I get bored hanging out with people even if we're watching a movie. I have to be engaged in what's going on. I tend to feel detached most of the time.
And the work situation doesn't help. With pretty much no one to talk to at the office outside of work related things, I feel more and more isolated and detached and lonely. It doesn't help that the finances at work aren't there, and staring at my own bank account made me realize I really can't afford to work at a company that may or may not be able to pay me. But that is an issue for me to take up with my boss tomorrow. Until then, I applied for a couple jobs today. I hate job hunting... but honestly, it may be better for my sanity if I got a different position elsewhere.