Sonnet: I used to lay staring up to the sky~

Sometimes I find it hard to find my inspiration... but after writing a poem the other day (which I will post up at a later date because I'm holding onto it to myself til I present it to the "Broken Quill") I discovered my muse is really there all along.  I'm hoping to be able to write more of these in the future. 

Yes. I love sonnets.  Yes I love Shakespearean style sonnets.

Yes I'm a Shakespeare geek.

But enough about me... onto the poem. This one is dedicated to my husband.

---

I used to lay staring up to the sky

And let the petals fall upon my face.

Spring snow of cherry blossoms fly by.

I’d roll over, nestle in your embrace.

Sometimes I fear that when I turn you’ll be

Long gone, out of touch, so far out of reach,

And yet you’ve shown this wrong, you cling to me.

I’ve taken you for granted, then I leech.

I’ve taken it all and given none back

And you still remain constant like the spring.

Protect me from my mind’s constant attack.

Show me strength my love, my everything.

I used to lay staring up to the sky.

Spring snow of cherry blossoms fly by.

---

Withdrawel Day One: Collecting My Thoughts

So... I need to take a break from my addiction, a game called Mabinogi. Even my friends there understood and are being supportive in any way they can. Guess this is evidence that I have a problem, that even they were worried and agreed that this was best.

It all started I think when the stress of my new position at work combined with the financial stress from after getting married. The "addiction" I have is based on, in my opinion, roleplaying games... multiplayer roleplaying games. What was a simple hobby became an addiction to a story being formulated by many participants. It became more important to me than chores, work, and even sometimes my husband. I did not even realize the downward spiral I had put myself in.

You see, I don't want to lose the hobby, the stress relief at the end of a long stressful day, but I do not want the addiction. I have chosen time and again hanging out on the game over hanging out with real life friends. I burnt out on my other stress relief method, knitting, some point after the wedding, because I had spent a long time working on things for it: my veil, my garter, and some gift bags for my girls. I forgoed most everything productive in real life for the sake of the game.

The stress at work was already pretty bad before I started having online chatrooms (talking with friends from my online games) open at work. My way of staving boredom, curing loneliness, and keeping myself sane became an even worse problem. But I'm not sure that is the only problem. Sure my boss is old-fashioned and does not get multitasking (nor does he probably see that I'm not the only one doing that, but since I don't have internet in my own office it's not as easy to be covert about) but I don't think the internet use is the only problem. This is because just this morning I hadn't even touched the internet computer for anything other than company email and he met me with hostility because he thought I hadn't done something that I actually had. Now part of that could be my fault because I might have forgotten to tell him that it was already done, but I had been working on normal day to day accounting in the office at the time.

My company has financial problems. I have no idea where payroll is coming from this month. He is stressed out and from my opinion he is looking for someone to blame: the government, the economy, me... opinions from some former employees was that we shouldn't even have taken on the 2 mil job that eventually screwed us, and put us in the hole with a large product that we have difficulty selling. I don't know whose fault it really is, but why does it have to be taken out on me, the technical editor who helped edit the proposal for that particular project back in the beginning of my time at the company (5 years ago) who has taken on the accounting job without accounting experience except for what I have had to learn on my own through experience.

I get it, the economy sucks and he's even admitted to taking advantage of us because of it. If Philip had a job and he could afford to, I'd leave. But he doesn't and we can't. So I feel trapped. I am not angry at Philip's lack of a job. I know he's tried and its difficult for entry level with this economy. But maybe I am angry but more so that I am angry because I don't want to be and it is out of my control. And there goes my downward spiral again.

And I have little to no desire to hang out with real friends lately. I'm not sure if this is new or if this is how it has always been. I don't like calling people and I normally don't really know what to do in a setting like that. That's Philip's strength, not mine. But they miss me. I don't even totally understand how I came to prefer online to real life. Perhaps the stress associated with work has reverted me to my college days... where I preferred online to real life because it was easier to meet people online or people I already knew than go out and meet new people, or I figured that everyone usually had something better to do than hang out with little ole me.

Week in Review: Therapy

Yes I realize last week's week in review is slightly late, but things happened this weekend that were beyond my control. so this posting has to do with something nearly different (but it can tie into whatever I feel like at the time I'm writing this).

For me there are multiple different types of therapy and I will highlight them thus following.

Knitting Therapy
I, like many people, find knitting to be extremely relaxing. Although, when I need to relax, I usually choose my easiest project I am working on (the one that uses less brain power). There's not much more I can go into that, because words usually cannot describe how good I feel when I accomplish something like a project or get a good way done in it. Now, if only that project would be cleaning my apartment...

But I've always felt i need more knitters to talk to about advice and various knitting sort stuff. Yay for being invited to ravelry! Now... to make with the actually getting off my butt and shyness to talk to folks I don't know.

I would've had a nice week of progress when it came to my projects that I'm working on, but unfortunately I got a new baby (Wii) and some new stuffed animals to claim my two favorite hobbies (Wii and Knitting).

Gaming Therapy
Fantasy, games, and the like are a release for me. It is something I enjoy and spend a good chunk of my weekend doing. I have always found reality to be extremely boring and littered with evil responsibility and bills and the like, so reading fantasy, playing fantasy, and creating fantasy has been good times for me. This past weekend I ran a story of pirates and evil fishmen and an evil empire trying to enslave the seas. I also was in a story of transmundane things happening in the fictional city of Roanoke, North Carolina. These things are fun for me and help me relax and escape from reality for a brief moment.

Not to say that I don't live in reality. I have learned over my years that I think good gamers need to have a stronger grip on reality than anyone else because they need to recognize the separation between fantasy and reality. It's the gamers that can't do that that you hear about in the news killing themselves accidentally with a katana.

Cleaning Therapy
Believe it or not, sometimes cleaning makes me feel good. Perhaps this is because I don't do it often enough and that I feel a lot better about myself when it's done because it is one of my biggest sources of self-blame. I am lazy, I dislike having to do a lot of work to get the apartment straightened up. I am much happier with yarn thrown across the house... but that does not work for being a central location for hanging out. It doesn't work at all. So this week I am going to begin the long therapy session that is cleaning therapy. Now if I can just get past the knitting and gaming therapy to focus on that.

Driving Therapy
Even driving in I-66 rush hour traffic, I find the power and control I have behind the wheel to be very relaxing. One day when I was in college I got really hurt and stressed out about something or other and I just left where I was and took my car and drove a circle around Greenville, North Carolina. They had a nice way of doing that and it felt a lot better afterwards. I think I need to do that more often, although now is the day of really high gas prices, so it's not as luxurious and stress-relieving as it could be anymore.

Sleep Therapy
Simply put, you go to sleep, you feel better. That is... if you can sleep.

Talking Therapy
This does not always involve talking to other people, but a lot of it involves talking to myself like I'm talking to other people. I have been able to tell my computer screen exactly how I think about the situation at hand better than anyone else. I have also been able to do the same thing with the walls in my bathroom. It's a little silly, and it may be a sign of insanity, but I come to a lot of self-realization when I'm talking to myself.

Besides, one of the differences between girls and guys is how we cope with our problems and the "talking therapy" is a point of contention. Guys don't usually like to talk when they cope. They usually like to be left alone. Girls on the other hand like to talk about it. This has been a problem in many relationships (including mine) that I have noticed. Pushing a guy to talk about a problem is not usually advised. (hard lessons I have learned)

Fuzzy Puppy/Kitty Therapy
How can you be sad when you've got a corgi puppy licking your face. Even Chicken the sick kitty had his effect on me as well. Some of the best times I bonded with him was when I needed someone after a break-up that broke my heart.

Also connected to this therapy is "stuffy therapy". In the event that you do not have a real pet but instead have a mound of stuffed animals of which you can bury yourself under (like myself), you can snuggle up with a stuffed animal for comfort. For some reason, even at 25, I find it hard to peacefully sleep without a stuffy. It be embarrassing.

Actually seeing a Psychiatrist Therapy
I have Generalized Anxiety Syndrome according to my psychiatrist. She did listen and prescribed me Citrocal. It has helped. It doesn't relieve everything, hence all the other sorts of therapy. It also doesn't prevent new stresses to emerge. But, it's a start.

Biblical Therapy
Sometimes when I'm down and really uncertain what to do, I do turn to God to help me with what to do. Unfortunately a few times I make the mistake to ask for patience and peace, which causes me to be put in instances where I need to feel such things. Sometimes it comes with a small prayer proceeding opening a Bible to see where it leads me. I'm still confused with what He's trying to tell me, but... well, things will work out according to His plan and His own time.

Snuggleupagainst Therapy
Boyfriend snuggles. That's it.