Set fire to the rain~

How do you tell someone you miss them without sounding pathetic or creepy?  Oh hai, please to be hanging out with me again I miss your RPs?  Yeah... I think it sounds pathetic.

I mean life goes on I guess.  People come and people go, but some still remain.  It doesn't mean you don't miss what was, what had been.

Doesn't help that I've got a song by Adele stuck in my head, and I figure I'll just type what I'm thinking from it...

I set fire to the rain

Watched it pour as I touched your face

Let it burn while I cried

'Cause I heard it screaming out your name, your name

I set fire to the rain

And I threw us into the flames

Where I felt somethin' died

That was the last time, the last time

Sometimes I wake up by the door

Now that you're gone, must be waiting for you

Even now when it's already over

I can't help myself from looking for you

~ Picture drawn by my friend Gato | my Mabinogi character Honeko and her first husband, Serihon ~

Withdrawel Day One: Collecting My Thoughts

So... I need to take a break from my addiction, a game called Mabinogi. Even my friends there understood and are being supportive in any way they can. Guess this is evidence that I have a problem, that even they were worried and agreed that this was best.

It all started I think when the stress of my new position at work combined with the financial stress from after getting married. The "addiction" I have is based on, in my opinion, roleplaying games... multiplayer roleplaying games. What was a simple hobby became an addiction to a story being formulated by many participants. It became more important to me than chores, work, and even sometimes my husband. I did not even realize the downward spiral I had put myself in.

You see, I don't want to lose the hobby, the stress relief at the end of a long stressful day, but I do not want the addiction. I have chosen time and again hanging out on the game over hanging out with real life friends. I burnt out on my other stress relief method, knitting, some point after the wedding, because I had spent a long time working on things for it: my veil, my garter, and some gift bags for my girls. I forgoed most everything productive in real life for the sake of the game.

The stress at work was already pretty bad before I started having online chatrooms (talking with friends from my online games) open at work. My way of staving boredom, curing loneliness, and keeping myself sane became an even worse problem. But I'm not sure that is the only problem. Sure my boss is old-fashioned and does not get multitasking (nor does he probably see that I'm not the only one doing that, but since I don't have internet in my own office it's not as easy to be covert about) but I don't think the internet use is the only problem. This is because just this morning I hadn't even touched the internet computer for anything other than company email and he met me with hostility because he thought I hadn't done something that I actually had. Now part of that could be my fault because I might have forgotten to tell him that it was already done, but I had been working on normal day to day accounting in the office at the time.

My company has financial problems. I have no idea where payroll is coming from this month. He is stressed out and from my opinion he is looking for someone to blame: the government, the economy, me... opinions from some former employees was that we shouldn't even have taken on the 2 mil job that eventually screwed us, and put us in the hole with a large product that we have difficulty selling. I don't know whose fault it really is, but why does it have to be taken out on me, the technical editor who helped edit the proposal for that particular project back in the beginning of my time at the company (5 years ago) who has taken on the accounting job without accounting experience except for what I have had to learn on my own through experience.

I get it, the economy sucks and he's even admitted to taking advantage of us because of it. If Philip had a job and he could afford to, I'd leave. But he doesn't and we can't. So I feel trapped. I am not angry at Philip's lack of a job. I know he's tried and its difficult for entry level with this economy. But maybe I am angry but more so that I am angry because I don't want to be and it is out of my control. And there goes my downward spiral again.

And I have little to no desire to hang out with real friends lately. I'm not sure if this is new or if this is how it has always been. I don't like calling people and I normally don't really know what to do in a setting like that. That's Philip's strength, not mine. But they miss me. I don't even totally understand how I came to prefer online to real life. Perhaps the stress associated with work has reverted me to my college days... where I preferred online to real life because it was easier to meet people online or people I already knew than go out and meet new people, or I figured that everyone usually had something better to do than hang out with little ole me.

Week in Review: Therapy

Yes I realize last week's week in review is slightly late, but things happened this weekend that were beyond my control. so this posting has to do with something nearly different (but it can tie into whatever I feel like at the time I'm writing this).

For me there are multiple different types of therapy and I will highlight them thus following.

Knitting Therapy
I, like many people, find knitting to be extremely relaxing. Although, when I need to relax, I usually choose my easiest project I am working on (the one that uses less brain power). There's not much more I can go into that, because words usually cannot describe how good I feel when I accomplish something like a project or get a good way done in it. Now, if only that project would be cleaning my apartment...

But I've always felt i need more knitters to talk to about advice and various knitting sort stuff. Yay for being invited to ravelry! Now... to make with the actually getting off my butt and shyness to talk to folks I don't know.

I would've had a nice week of progress when it came to my projects that I'm working on, but unfortunately I got a new baby (Wii) and some new stuffed animals to claim my two favorite hobbies (Wii and Knitting).

Gaming Therapy
Fantasy, games, and the like are a release for me. It is something I enjoy and spend a good chunk of my weekend doing. I have always found reality to be extremely boring and littered with evil responsibility and bills and the like, so reading fantasy, playing fantasy, and creating fantasy has been good times for me. This past weekend I ran a story of pirates and evil fishmen and an evil empire trying to enslave the seas. I also was in a story of transmundane things happening in the fictional city of Roanoke, North Carolina. These things are fun for me and help me relax and escape from reality for a brief moment.

Not to say that I don't live in reality. I have learned over my years that I think good gamers need to have a stronger grip on reality than anyone else because they need to recognize the separation between fantasy and reality. It's the gamers that can't do that that you hear about in the news killing themselves accidentally with a katana.

Cleaning Therapy
Believe it or not, sometimes cleaning makes me feel good. Perhaps this is because I don't do it often enough and that I feel a lot better about myself when it's done because it is one of my biggest sources of self-blame. I am lazy, I dislike having to do a lot of work to get the apartment straightened up. I am much happier with yarn thrown across the house... but that does not work for being a central location for hanging out. It doesn't work at all. So this week I am going to begin the long therapy session that is cleaning therapy. Now if I can just get past the knitting and gaming therapy to focus on that.

Driving Therapy
Even driving in I-66 rush hour traffic, I find the power and control I have behind the wheel to be very relaxing. One day when I was in college I got really hurt and stressed out about something or other and I just left where I was and took my car and drove a circle around Greenville, North Carolina. They had a nice way of doing that and it felt a lot better afterwards. I think I need to do that more often, although now is the day of really high gas prices, so it's not as luxurious and stress-relieving as it could be anymore.

Sleep Therapy
Simply put, you go to sleep, you feel better. That is... if you can sleep.

Talking Therapy
This does not always involve talking to other people, but a lot of it involves talking to myself like I'm talking to other people. I have been able to tell my computer screen exactly how I think about the situation at hand better than anyone else. I have also been able to do the same thing with the walls in my bathroom. It's a little silly, and it may be a sign of insanity, but I come to a lot of self-realization when I'm talking to myself.

Besides, one of the differences between girls and guys is how we cope with our problems and the "talking therapy" is a point of contention. Guys don't usually like to talk when they cope. They usually like to be left alone. Girls on the other hand like to talk about it. This has been a problem in many relationships (including mine) that I have noticed. Pushing a guy to talk about a problem is not usually advised. (hard lessons I have learned)

Fuzzy Puppy/Kitty Therapy
How can you be sad when you've got a corgi puppy licking your face. Even Chicken the sick kitty had his effect on me as well. Some of the best times I bonded with him was when I needed someone after a break-up that broke my heart.

Also connected to this therapy is "stuffy therapy". In the event that you do not have a real pet but instead have a mound of stuffed animals of which you can bury yourself under (like myself), you can snuggle up with a stuffed animal for comfort. For some reason, even at 25, I find it hard to peacefully sleep without a stuffy. It be embarrassing.

Actually seeing a Psychiatrist Therapy
I have Generalized Anxiety Syndrome according to my psychiatrist. She did listen and prescribed me Citrocal. It has helped. It doesn't relieve everything, hence all the other sorts of therapy. It also doesn't prevent new stresses to emerge. But, it's a start.

Biblical Therapy
Sometimes when I'm down and really uncertain what to do, I do turn to God to help me with what to do. Unfortunately a few times I make the mistake to ask for patience and peace, which causes me to be put in instances where I need to feel such things. Sometimes it comes with a small prayer proceeding opening a Bible to see where it leads me. I'm still confused with what He's trying to tell me, but... well, things will work out according to His plan and His own time.

Snuggleupagainst Therapy
Boyfriend snuggles. That's it.

This Week In Review: "My Phat Lewtz"

I had a splurge since I realized I had extra money due to my tax return finally coming in. I had been meaning to make this sort of purchase for some time now, and I finally did and was pleased to see they all came in within two days this week, earlier than I expected. I did purchase a few big balls of other yarn last Friday at JoAnns, but I forgot to include those in the picture of my "phat lewtz". Also not included is the one ball of yarn that I ordered on Amazon.com this week, but that I don't really expect until next week along with my two new pairs of shoes, Crocs' Alice.

I have plans for just about all of these balls of yarn. Included in the finds are as follows: Knitpicks Suri Dream, Glossamer, Shadow, and size 8 length 40" Options needles, elann.com's Pure Alpaca Fina, Just Bamboo ribbon yarn, and another thing of ribbon yarn I forgot its name already. From an earlier purchase, I have as well KnitPicks Andean Treasure, Swish Worsted, and Swish DK. Andean Treasure, Suri Dream, and Shadow all are used in a "feather and fan" pattern with Knitpicks' free patterns. Glossamer is just the handdyed version of Shadow. As I've learned recently, lace yarn is a challenge to work with... I have never used with such fine yarn before.

With each week in review, I plan to cover a few different things such as different types of yarn I am using, status on projects I am working on, and other things of relative fun (like maybe a small rant about current events or something if I feel so inclined).

Andean Treasure vs. Pure Alpaca Fina
While I was searching online for decent priced sport weight yarns to use in "secret projects", I came across elann.com's Pure Alpaca Fina (PAF). While I had already started using Andean Treasure (AT), I was excited by the many more color options that PAF offered. It also contained more yardage than AT so I figured I would give it a shot as a adequate substitute.

When they came in the mail on Wednesday, I was very excited and opened it up and began introducing myself to it I realized, and did comparison with it. They are both "sport weight" according to their two different sites, but from what I noticed, PAF is thinner than AT. To my estimation it looked more like a fingering weight yarn (it was thicker than the lace weight yarn I also got in the mail, which made me happier). I guess I should pay a bit more attention when studying for substitutes for patterns online. I still have yet to really understand, nor develop the patience, to work with "gauges", or even understand fully that it says 50g, so maybe even though it has more yarn yardage, it may be thinner than the other ball. Oh well. I'm still planning on using it for a pattern that calls for AT in the future, I just have to figure out if I need to change needles or increase the width of the pattern. Those two things shouldn't be too difficult.

HP PoA Scarf
I have been working on the second try with the scarf since sometime in February or January (don't remember), but it has been considered a back-burner or "easy" project. I usually work on it when I feel like it or I am multitasking (watching subbed anime, reading over papers for editing). This scarf uses KnitPicks' Swish Worsted yarn, which is some of the softest yarn I had worked with up to that point (it still is by far one of the softest yarns I've ever used). I like the way this scarf is coming through. As of the time I took this picture I had just gotten to the 11th set of the yellow-red-yellow stripe pattern. The pattern itself calls for 14 of them and one final big block set and then finishing off with tassling. I am looking forward to finally getting to that part, cause I got tired of the first scarf before I got around to it. Actually it was more like I got tired of using LionsBrand Vanna's Choice because it was irritating my fingers, so I finished that one up fast to do this one.

But I never feel quite happy if I only have one (or just two) projects going on. So when I got new yarn in this past week, I started a few new projects, two of which I will detail here.

Stargazer
This will be what I will consider my "first sweater" although it really is more of a "warm-weather" sweater. I'm hoping to have this done enough to be a project I work on at SimTerra (as this and the above scarf are what I call "Kaylee wear"). No idea how it will get there, because I lost a few stitches today in a "packing incident". I will probably fix it later when I get around to working on it.

The pattern itself looks like a short sleeve kimono, and it even has a silky looking band just under the bust to mimic a small obi. I purchased some bamboo ribbon yarn to suit that effect, because I don't really like the idea of spending the time to make my own ribbon yarn. Bah, that's far too much effort. Since the PAF was smaller width than I thought it would be, I'm hoping the particular size I chose to make this with is just fine. Next time I try this pattern I may splurge and get the yarn it calls for and I already have another ribbon yarn around here to put with that one. I'll probably do a pattern review at some point for that and then I will provide the link.

Suri Dream Throw
This is the only feather and fan pattern that I can even show here because the others are... well, *Xellos pose* that's a secret. And I haven't really started it, I've just begun planning it. I intend to use the yarn that the pattern calls for, KnitPicks' Suri Dream. It claims to be a bulky weight, but looking at it closer, I really don't totally buy that. I am also intending on whipping out what I call "the big red and black tribble" (also known as a pound of gradient yarn I got at Jo Ann's) and blending that with the Suri Dream to add an interesting textured effect. I hope in the end I will have enough of that to go along with 10 balls of the Suri Dream, but we will have to see. I probably should do some measurement planning before I get all invested in the beginning.

Here highlights what I've been up to this past week, I hope to have next week's review up sooner than this one, but I get so easily distracted when boyfriend playing fascinating game (Mount and Blade) on my computer or Arkham Horror at Jeff and Mona's. Or even... I get too distracted by my many projects I'm working on to remember to actually write about it. I hope to get better about that, but no real promises... this week at work has the potential to be hell.

Although the knowledge of getting nice packages delivered is still warm fuzzies. I also have a story to work on so I can torture people this coming Saturday.

Coming Soon: Pattern Review: Mary Jane and Elizabethtown hats