Tumblr

So I created a tumbler page.  I hardly keep up with this one to begin with, so why the hell did I start up a new blog elsewhere?

I think I was just bored and I think the quick posting features over there I may like better.  We will see which of these two get the more attention.  At least, I have provided a link as to another place to find me.

So Glad I'm Home from the Hospital... oh hi blog!

I had resolved to write more in this blog, but I haven't.  Honestly, I'm not entirely certain again why I stopped.  I may have gotten busy with work or life or something.  But perhaps it was because I've been sick.

Honestly I have no idea how long I had the blood clots they found in my lungs, just that they were there and causing me other issues.  I had pain in my left shoulder so bad I could hardly move and I was starting to be unable to breathe effectively.  So I spent a good five or so days in the hospital in the beginning of this month.  I missed quite a bit of work but they seem to still like me and let me work from home until the doctors say I can head back in.  So currently, I'm on oxygen and blood thinners (one of which I have to inject myself with), I'm off birth control (they think that's what caused the blood clots... this is not normal for a person of my age and lack of smoking, but *sigh*), and I'm working from home.  At least I'm trying to work from home... I seem to have the same issue I have while I am at work... a lack of things to do.  But I am making myself available by showing on the "Google Chat" they use.

The weekend before life went to hell and a hand-basket, I went down to Charlottesville to see a friend from KoE perform in "The Wizard of Oz."  A grand time was had and I got to meet him and his girlfriend and see just how talented he is.  A part of me wants to do whatever I can do to support the theater that put this own and his talent, but another part of me doesn't know exactly how much I can do.

But as of right now, I need to focus on getting better.  And hopefully in my getting better, I will find that muse again so I can write more.

Sonnet: I used to watch you from afar~

Sometimes when we write, we require a voice that is not our own.  Sometimes when we write we await upon a muse.  Many days have been spent by me claiming my muse had left me, but in truth, I think I had left my muse.  Life got in the way, time was lost, and I got distracted by everything so I could not sit down and actually compose. 

I wrote this poem before the one I wrote that was dedicated to my husband.  This poem is what spurred me to this realization.  Sometimes one just needs motivation.  The "Broken Quill" provided me that motivation.  Also it spurred another realization... my poetry seems to only be able to be written when I am down.  That is also possible because that's the only time I truly feel inspired.

---

I used to watch you from afar never

Dreaming for love, yet there you were, rose in

Hand, and a moment felt like forever.

You made me melt as you caressed my skin.

I remember laying in your lap so

Relaxed by the fire, hands in my hair,

The rhythm of your lips, caress so slow...

You hummed a song and we were without care.

I close my eyes and listen, I still hear

You beside me, still feel your arms around.

I'll never forget the rose on my ear.

I'm scared, but I'll be fine. I won't break down.

I used to watch you from afar never

Dreaming for love, for my love, forever.

---

Performed/read for the Kingship of the East's "Broken Quill" by Honeko Eir (my WoW main character).

Sonnet: I used to lay staring up to the sky~

Sometimes I find it hard to find my inspiration... but after writing a poem the other day (which I will post up at a later date because I'm holding onto it to myself til I present it to the "Broken Quill") I discovered my muse is really there all along.  I'm hoping to be able to write more of these in the future. 

Yes. I love sonnets.  Yes I love Shakespearean style sonnets.

Yes I'm a Shakespeare geek.

But enough about me... onto the poem. This one is dedicated to my husband.

---

I used to lay staring up to the sky

And let the petals fall upon my face.

Spring snow of cherry blossoms fly by.

I’d roll over, nestle in your embrace.

Sometimes I fear that when I turn you’ll be

Long gone, out of touch, so far out of reach,

And yet you’ve shown this wrong, you cling to me.

I’ve taken you for granted, then I leech.

I’ve taken it all and given none back

And you still remain constant like the spring.

Protect me from my mind’s constant attack.

Show me strength my love, my everything.

I used to lay staring up to the sky.

Spring snow of cherry blossoms fly by.

---

Vignette: To Move On~

Every once and again, I feel inspired to write.  I think I need to stop holding back and let it come.  In the future I hope to show off other vignettes, inspired by characters I play in roleplaying.  This will be either Dasaria, Mabinogi, WoW, SWTOR, or even from my pen and paper games.  Here is the first installment of this attempt from my WoW character Mercii Nightwalker.

---

I'd gotten complacent.  I started picking up the Gilnean way to speak.  Greymyst rubbed off on me and left a mark.

But I was not pleased with how he came about trying to provide for the family we were having.  Not pleased at all.  You earn what you make, you do not just take from others that have committed the hard work.  That is not the way of the world.

Or maybe I am wrong.  This world made no sense to me.  The ways of the animals made more sense.  Survival of the fittest.  For each their own.  Sister was displeased I had chosen a human... worgen mate.  I just simply felt they had more in common with me, because many of our men were still foggy from a dream.

I think if it is a daughter, and I have strong belief that she will be, she will be called Onikari.  She will not know her father.  I tire of him.  If he wishes to come claim me and stop thieving, that is his decision.  I tire of men in general.  None of which have been pleasant decisions on my part.  I was too intent on finding myself a mate, but not interested in the responsibilities that came with it.

But I have one.  To my child.  Many animals do not have males to aid them in child rearing.  I do not think I require this.

Mercii Nightwalker

---

Set fire to the rain~

How do you tell someone you miss them without sounding pathetic or creepy?  Oh hai, please to be hanging out with me again I miss your RPs?  Yeah... I think it sounds pathetic.

I mean life goes on I guess.  People come and people go, but some still remain.  It doesn't mean you don't miss what was, what had been.

Doesn't help that I've got a song by Adele stuck in my head, and I figure I'll just type what I'm thinking from it...

I set fire to the rain

Watched it pour as I touched your face

Let it burn while I cried

'Cause I heard it screaming out your name, your name

I set fire to the rain

And I threw us into the flames

Where I felt somethin' died

That was the last time, the last time

Sometimes I wake up by the door

Now that you're gone, must be waiting for you

Even now when it's already over

I can't help myself from looking for you

~ Picture drawn by my friend Gato | my Mabinogi character Honeko and her first husband, Serihon ~

Nowhere to Hide

There are many times that I just want to run away.  The problem with this desire is it doesn't really come with an idea of where to run to.  I mean, sometimes when life seems bad you want to run away and hide.  Thing is, where to? Where is safer than where you are just now?  Is it really so bad that you'd give up and throw it all away?

I guess that's part of my problem.  I'm so bloody indecisive.  What is it I really want with myself?  I really don't know.  Or do I? 

Sometimes I wonder if I really have given up on things I want.  I wanted to be a published writer, but for the longest time I haven't figured out what to write about and what to actually stick with in terms of a story.  For the longest time my "muse" just hasn't hit me.  Life seems to have bogged me down and clouded my mind and diverted me from my original goals.  But is that really the case?  Or have I just let myself believe I won't really ever make it that way and given up?  Have I just become... lazy?

I have never really been able to just take what I want and make it mine.  It's not very easy for me to have that kind of courage and confidence.  At least this is my interpretation.  Others could tell me that I actually have and done this.  But I'm more of a float along and let it happen as it happens.  This could be why I am depressed though, because things don't really float by and come the way I had wanted in the first place.  I suppose the few small amounts of times I've tried to grab at what I wanted, I've been rejected, and those few small instances have left lasting impressions to make the fear of rejection even stronger.  I'm afraid to go after what I want because I'm afraid that what I want is not a mutual thing and I'm just going to lose even the smallest remotest thing that I had in the first place.  So instead of gaining something because I went after it, I lose everything because I went after it.  I don't know.  I'm seriously tired of living in fear, but I don't know how to shake it.

For the longest time I relied on other people for my strength.  This is entirely silly because other people cannot hold me up for any length of time to get me out of my hole of depression.  Instead of building myself up, I fear I bring other people down.  And sometimes, no matter how much of people telling me it's okay, I don't really feel it is.  Then I start apologizing.  Which can be even more annoying.

In the end, my biggest problem is social anxiety.  I'm so concerned what other people think of me that I will do anything to make them like me, and even if I change or morph to fit a need it sometimes isn't good enough.  I haven't really known who I am for quite some time.  So trying to amend that to break out of this pit is a difficult thing.