So I Might Be Depressed

Guess sometimes I float on by in life and don't even realize it. I mean, I'm more tired than normal, I go to bed later and sleep later, but I think that is partially because I'm slipping onto my husband's night-work sleep schedule. I go a week (a holiday week, but still a week) without being as good about my chores as I need to be, because I'm just... so tired for some reason. No excuse not to do my shit, but I guess I feel... complacent... lethargic... not really... caring.

I sign into my escape and it doesn't really feel like an escape. The people I spent time with are gone. At least that's how it feels. I know sometimes life happens and it takes people away from the fantasy realm. Real life is definitely more important than the life you live online. Just gets lonely sometimes. I stare at the guild roster and wonder where everyone went. I stare at the screen at a loss of what to do. I miss the friends I've made and can't be around as much anymore and I feel excluded or ignored by others who are around.

Sometimes. Always on the outside looking in. Too shy to push my own boundaries. Social anxiety is not limited to the real world.

I've not been "ditched." I'm not going to be. I just have to be patient. People will return... when the new games' shine wears off, when the next patch drops, or something. And if they don't... oh well.

Besides, I may be the one doing the disappearing. Maybe. Someday.

Things Just Don't Go Smooth

Technically I should be writing in my journal daily. It technically helps and my therapist, Wendy, says I should. So does Philip. Maybe I should listen.

Every time I feel like I'm not worth it, I need to write that I am. I need to reinstate in my mind that I am awesome etc.

Thing is, this year has sucked. Nearly everything about it has sucked. There have been some bright spots here and there, but eh. HCI fired me on my 2nd anniversary married to Philip. I got hired by MicroTech. They fired me after a month and a half. Then for months I couldn't find anything. I got hired by JACER Corp. They had to lay off half their corporate staff after a month of being there. So I'm back home, unemployed, and attempting to learn this "housewife" thing and I feel like I'm still a failure at a bunch of things.

But I'm not a failure? I've just had some bad luck?

I've gained a lot of weight since I was married. I no longer fit into the size 4 dresses I wore in 2009. I think I'm like an 8 or a 10... or higher or something. I've been trying to exercise daily for the last few weeks. I've gained and lost quite a few friends through gaming... the ones that I have gained and kept mean the world to me... but I'm still a little terrified I'm still going to lose at least one of them. I've been hurt and betrayed by people I thought I could trust. A lot of my own confidence has been built up and shattered.

But the awesome people are still there. My husband is still here and always supportive.

It's hard to be strong when the world doesn't seem to be for you. It's hard to be strong when things just don't go smooth.

But, God knows I'm trying.

Cause I am worth it.

How to Change a Tire and Not Panic

Oh crap, I hit a bad spot of the road. I hope the tire isn’t flat. Hm, the driving wheel is shaking. My tire is probably flat. Find a spot to pull over, preferably not in the mud and is generally flat so can work. Be completely prepared to ruin/dirty up my nice clean dress clothes. Make phone calls to the sleeping husband. Try to remember what to do. Do not panic. Open up the trunk. Realize that you really should’ve finished unpacking from the move over a year ago and dig through to get the spare. Also, putting on the parking break would be a good idea. Don’t want to have car run away while trying to fix it.

Pull out the tools and the spare. Assess the spot to put the thingy that lifts up the car and have it click in place. Righty tighty, lefty loosey. Left makes it lift, right makes it go back down. This is very important. Take the tire iron and fight off the hubcap. Then take off the bolt/screws. Be careful as depending on which tire it is, they may be quite steamy. Remember to utilize leg and stomping power in getting them loose. Remove sad flat tire and replace with spare. Screw on and then lower car. Put flat in trunk along with other stuff. Please to be remembering to turn off the parking break before attempting to drive away.

I still think I’m going to move to Australia.

Don't Panic - A reminder for me...

Don’t Panic.

I am loved, I am cared for. I have not been abandoned, I will not be abandoned. If people aren’t around that doesn’t mean that they won’t come back. Even if people have disappeared to not return, doesn’t mean that the people that are currently around are going to do the same. I have family, I have friends, both here in VA and elsewhere around the world via the Internet. They love me, they care about me, they look after me. They will not give up on me.

Something New

The crazy that was my old job in a way blew up in my face. It was quite irritating to say the least and left Philip and I both unemployed for a little more than a month, and for some reason VA Unemployment didn't send me any moneys.

But through divine intervention, luck, or something, both Philip and I found jobs and began work in them Tuesday of last week. It is too early for us to tell how well it's going to go, but we're both fairly certain that we will get out of the mess the crash and burn of the old job put us in.

My old company is in what the boss calls a "moth-ball state". He's desperately trying to find work for them... because there is no money to pay anyone. Honestly with how I felt the last few months at the company, I have no desire to go back even if it came back up. I've felt more welcome in this company as of the first day than I ever did within the last year of my employment at CRS. Boss blamed our problems on the toxic atmosphere in the company... where I believe most of that was created by him, but of course he refused to take responsibility for it. The CEO here at HCI instead, has no desire to end up in the same situation that CRS has... and everything seems much more positive here. Sure things are fast paced and busy... although I've not really been let into the actual crazy fray just yet... but this is definitely an improvement to the old place. Except the commute and hours... it's earlier, but the same commute. Because it is earlier it is actually not the same commute. So I have to learn the traffic patterns in a whole new and very frustrating way.

But in the end, things are looking up. Hopefully they will remain looking up.

Trying for Positive Thinking

It is difficult to maintain a positive thinking environment when you feel as if it is made out to be your fault that your company has not had business in the last 3 months due to the website change. I need to increase the search rating of the site, which hopefully will get the desired effect. This can be either very simple or very time consuming. I have a feeling it will be the latter.

But what I need to figure out is how not to feel attacked for the decisions that I've made in regards to the website. I've worked very hard on updating the information to suit the boss. He is even willing to take responsibility for allowing me to post it up without it being ready. He was just impatient for the new information to be put up. Well it's up, but what good does that do if no one is looking for us.

But really does a website make sales? Especially one such as ours? I think it is highly possible we have too much information (read box text) on the website without a very easy way of seeing what exactly the customers may want. I have done whatever it is that I could, but there is little I can do when the information that is provided to me is pretty much lots of large paragraphs as opposed to bullet points. What is it that customers really want though? I'm no marketing expert and apparently neither is my boss.

Maybe appealing to people's emotions or pity is not the way to grab sales. "We are at the end of the road" or "we may not make it next month" are not the most positive things to hear. How does that make us feel about our job security in this festering economy? Oh did I mention, I've never once heard him say anything to the employees about this. Only on the phone to old friends or potential customers.

But I thought last week's meetings were successful. I know he's been working hard to garner some sales. I don't see how my putting up a new layout and website was as catastrophic as he's making it out to be. But what do I know. I'm just the technical editor going above and beyond what I was originally hired for to attempt to make the website better.

In other news, I think I have allergies or a cold, but I am so glad the blizzards are gone and done (please no more... for a while... 100 years?) I've been looking into other employment, for example sending out 7 applications on Tuesday alone. I'm trying to remain positive. I'm trying to do what I can for my job. I'm trying not to get stressed out by everything.

Is it too much to ask for one week without feeling attacked for doing my job?

Oh and...

Really sorry about all the rants about work. I'm feeling that I need to blog more and get things off my chest because it may help me in the long run. Planning to let the therapist read this as well for our sessions to give an insight.

Other than work and finances, I'm doing pretty good and am fairly content... I've been spending time with the hubby, reading good books, knitting again, and back to playing the game (hobby not addiction).