Nowhere to Hide

There are many times that I just want to run away.  The problem with this desire is it doesn't really come with an idea of where to run to.  I mean, sometimes when life seems bad you want to run away and hide.  Thing is, where to? Where is safer than where you are just now?  Is it really so bad that you'd give up and throw it all away?

I guess that's part of my problem.  I'm so bloody indecisive.  What is it I really want with myself?  I really don't know.  Or do I? 

Sometimes I wonder if I really have given up on things I want.  I wanted to be a published writer, but for the longest time I haven't figured out what to write about and what to actually stick with in terms of a story.  For the longest time my "muse" just hasn't hit me.  Life seems to have bogged me down and clouded my mind and diverted me from my original goals.  But is that really the case?  Or have I just let myself believe I won't really ever make it that way and given up?  Have I just become... lazy?

I have never really been able to just take what I want and make it mine.  It's not very easy for me to have that kind of courage and confidence.  At least this is my interpretation.  Others could tell me that I actually have and done this.  But I'm more of a float along and let it happen as it happens.  This could be why I am depressed though, because things don't really float by and come the way I had wanted in the first place.  I suppose the few small amounts of times I've tried to grab at what I wanted, I've been rejected, and those few small instances have left lasting impressions to make the fear of rejection even stronger.  I'm afraid to go after what I want because I'm afraid that what I want is not a mutual thing and I'm just going to lose even the smallest remotest thing that I had in the first place.  So instead of gaining something because I went after it, I lose everything because I went after it.  I don't know.  I'm seriously tired of living in fear, but I don't know how to shake it.

For the longest time I relied on other people for my strength.  This is entirely silly because other people cannot hold me up for any length of time to get me out of my hole of depression.  Instead of building myself up, I fear I bring other people down.  And sometimes, no matter how much of people telling me it's okay, I don't really feel it is.  Then I start apologizing.  Which can be even more annoying.

In the end, my biggest problem is social anxiety.  I'm so concerned what other people think of me that I will do anything to make them like me, and even if I change or morph to fit a need it sometimes isn't good enough.  I haven't really known who I am for quite some time.  So trying to amend that to break out of this pit is a difficult thing.

I think I'm going to move to Australia

According to my weatherbug app, it is a balmy 28°F here in Burke.  After missing both my normal trains I hike up here to take the Amtrak 176... which is supposed to arrive at 1036. It is now 1113 and I am watching the Amtrak website to see how much later it will be. Thankfully it is cozy in my car... well it is when it is on, but it is difficult to listen for train when car is running.

All this because I am a spaz and left my ticket at home when I left to catch my first train.

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Hours later I have finally made it into work and I think my feet have finally thawed at least a little bit from standing out in the cold so long.  I have determined I wish to travel more by train for long trips.  The atmosphere to me feels a lot more relaxing than I remember when I flew last.  Sitting down to work and eating some good Chipotle comfort food, I think I have rescinded my desire for moving to the land down under.  But still...

I am such a spaz.

DISCLAIMER: The picture above is not mine but the cover of the children's book from which my blog title has come from.  Pretty much between my husband and I (and his dad for that matter) "I think I'm going to move to Australia" is our silly way to say "I'm having a bad day."

Things I Said I'd Never Do

1. Work in DC ~ Well actually, it's a hell of a lot easier to commute to DC than Fairfax, when Fairfax is really only 10 to 15 miles away as opposed to 40 something.  The VRE is delightful.  It's much better to fall asleep on the train than on a backroad between Prince William and Fairfax Counties... (which I have nearly done... I am so not a morning person).
2. Play a "Pay to Play" game ~ Now I play two, World of Warcraft and Star Wars: The Old Republic.  In the end I learned that it is cheaper to pay 15 dollars a month for a game than dump 30 dollars extra each month (or more) because Mabinogi released this new cute pet, or new cute premium character card and I must have that outfit OMG!!! My bank account thanks me, I'm sure...
3. Become a gamer ~ In the end, deep down, I'd always been one.  From my first experiences on the good ole fashioned Nintendo system, to my Mario Kart addiction, to watching my big brother play Delta Force from his waterbed with a Storm Watch Yankee Candle burning in the background, to "hmmm... Neverwinter Nights Premium Edition... Might as well show an interest in something the boyfriend likes." It's all been downhill from there.  Now, unlike my husband, my "gamer's ADD" isn't really as active... and I tend to stick to one game quite a little while before I move on... usually due to other people drama... Ahhh, MMOs, the cure and cause of much social anxiety.
4. Read Twilight ~ I HAVE RESISTED! So I have not read Twilight.  If it is going to be anything like the hair pulling violence I felt at my attempt to read Robert Jordan's Wheel of Time, my "I got an English Major and my writing professors would flunk this" twitch reflex would probably give me a hernia.  I'll pass.

New Start Blues

Why am I always terrified of new things? To the point where I'm nearly to tears at my new job. Again. This happened at JACER. I'm not entirely certain why it is. I feel a little queasy and really anxious. But I wonder if it's because I'm getting a hell of amount of passive aggressive attitude by the person who is supposed to train me... who I'm supposed to replace. Things are... real tense... and I'm just trying to take a deep breath and move right on. The other people I'm working with are really nice but right now I'm just a little flustered and... not entirely certain what to do with myself.

I have to wait for my Public Trust clearance before I can really get into the network and get in the system here at the GSA. At least I have access through the guest network and my company laptop.

The VRE is nice, except that there is no parking at all without permit at the Manassas Station. So I had to go to the Manassas Park Station. Where I caught nearly every single light, talked to by a motorcycle cop for going too fast in a school zone (Christmas present = just a warning), and missed the train I was supposed to take to get here on time. Thankfully everyone has been understanding so far... except for the person I'm supposed to replace.

Maybe after she's gone things will get better. So far I haven't learned anything and it looks like I have to do some self teaching cause she's too busy making a "notebook" for me. Maybe a delaying tactic so she doesn't have to go? I don't know.

I think the commute might be alright. May end up grabbing a SmartPass for Metro to have the backup taking the metro over one stop so if it rains I don't have to walk 15 to 20 minutes in the rain. But we will see. I probably should look into a new umbrella for those days and have a pair of clean dry socks packed with me.

Guess I really need to keep myself focused. Stop panicing. Stop feeling ill to my stomach for some reason or another. I'm better than this. I can do this.

So I Might Be Depressed

Guess sometimes I float on by in life and don't even realize it. I mean, I'm more tired than normal, I go to bed later and sleep later, but I think that is partially because I'm slipping onto my husband's night-work sleep schedule. I go a week (a holiday week, but still a week) without being as good about my chores as I need to be, because I'm just... so tired for some reason. No excuse not to do my shit, but I guess I feel... complacent... lethargic... not really... caring.

I sign into my escape and it doesn't really feel like an escape. The people I spent time with are gone. At least that's how it feels. I know sometimes life happens and it takes people away from the fantasy realm. Real life is definitely more important than the life you live online. Just gets lonely sometimes. I stare at the guild roster and wonder where everyone went. I stare at the screen at a loss of what to do. I miss the friends I've made and can't be around as much anymore and I feel excluded or ignored by others who are around.

Sometimes. Always on the outside looking in. Too shy to push my own boundaries. Social anxiety is not limited to the real world.

I've not been "ditched." I'm not going to be. I just have to be patient. People will return... when the new games' shine wears off, when the next patch drops, or something. And if they don't... oh well.

Besides, I may be the one doing the disappearing. Maybe. Someday.

Things Just Don't Go Smooth

Technically I should be writing in my journal daily. It technically helps and my therapist, Wendy, says I should. So does Philip. Maybe I should listen.

Every time I feel like I'm not worth it, I need to write that I am. I need to reinstate in my mind that I am awesome etc.

Thing is, this year has sucked. Nearly everything about it has sucked. There have been some bright spots here and there, but eh. HCI fired me on my 2nd anniversary married to Philip. I got hired by MicroTech. They fired me after a month and a half. Then for months I couldn't find anything. I got hired by JACER Corp. They had to lay off half their corporate staff after a month of being there. So I'm back home, unemployed, and attempting to learn this "housewife" thing and I feel like I'm still a failure at a bunch of things.

But I'm not a failure? I've just had some bad luck?

I've gained a lot of weight since I was married. I no longer fit into the size 4 dresses I wore in 2009. I think I'm like an 8 or a 10... or higher or something. I've been trying to exercise daily for the last few weeks. I've gained and lost quite a few friends through gaming... the ones that I have gained and kept mean the world to me... but I'm still a little terrified I'm still going to lose at least one of them. I've been hurt and betrayed by people I thought I could trust. A lot of my own confidence has been built up and shattered.

But the awesome people are still there. My husband is still here and always supportive.

It's hard to be strong when the world doesn't seem to be for you. It's hard to be strong when things just don't go smooth.

But, God knows I'm trying.

Cause I am worth it.

How to Change a Tire and Not Panic

Oh crap, I hit a bad spot of the road. I hope the tire isn’t flat. Hm, the driving wheel is shaking. My tire is probably flat. Find a spot to pull over, preferably not in the mud and is generally flat so can work. Be completely prepared to ruin/dirty up my nice clean dress clothes. Make phone calls to the sleeping husband. Try to remember what to do. Do not panic. Open up the trunk. Realize that you really should’ve finished unpacking from the move over a year ago and dig through to get the spare. Also, putting on the parking break would be a good idea. Don’t want to have car run away while trying to fix it.

Pull out the tools and the spare. Assess the spot to put the thingy that lifts up the car and have it click in place. Righty tighty, lefty loosey. Left makes it lift, right makes it go back down. This is very important. Take the tire iron and fight off the hubcap. Then take off the bolt/screws. Be careful as depending on which tire it is, they may be quite steamy. Remember to utilize leg and stomping power in getting them loose. Remove sad flat tire and replace with spare. Screw on and then lower car. Put flat in trunk along with other stuff. Please to be remembering to turn off the parking break before attempting to drive away.

I still think I’m going to move to Australia.